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The final obstacle. (lol the pun)

Hi guys, I’m feeling a bit half dead now, so I thought I’d just try to pick myself up from the ground. There’s gonna be a lot of talking to myself in this one, so hope it isn’t too awkward for you to read. xD

It’s less than 3 days to my last final exam. I’m giving up on myself, and my mind is telling me I can’t continue.

It’s like, one of those things where, you’ve suffered a lot, and since it’s the last lap, you give excuses on why you shouldn’t work your butt off anymore.

I want to tell myself now that I CAN DO IT.

Even though I feel like shit, even though everything about this term wasn’t that great, I CAN STILL MAKE A DIFFERENCE NOW.

Pick yourself up, Kevin. Do you want to finish strong, or regret that you gave up on the last few days?

I know the whole term really drained you, but this is literally the last two days that you can make a difference, and YOU CAN. If you give up now because you’re tired, it’s such a waste since you came this far. Everyone’s tired, not just you. Everyone is doing their best, and you should too. You’re no different from them, and just keep at it. After these two days, you’ll truly be free. You want to finish this knowing that YOU FINISHED STRONG. Not giving up because of all your past failures, and just because you decided to stay on the ground when you fell.

Take a breather, do what you like for this short hour, but tonight, you’re making a difference.

 

 

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Week 14: The Final Lap.

Today is the Wednesday of week 14.

To be honest I got into the rhythm of studying, and it ain’t that bad. But I really can’t wait to get on with all of this. I’m pretty shagged out.

Recently I felt like I had a bit more time to breathe, and devote a little more time to exercise and playing the guitar (since my performance is coming up).

I just want to pen down a few thoughts before I grind again:

First, I can’t give up now. Even though I’m trying my best, I should keep up with the pace for the next 14 days. It’s just 2 weeks.

Second, I want to tell myself, it’s okay if you fail, just know you did all you can. Push yourself and learn from your mistakes. This term wasn’t as good as the last term, but I believe that if I learn from my mistakes, I’ll grow more as a person and my grades will follow.

Lastly, I wanna say, good job so far! (to myself). It’s the last lap. Lets go.

Week 12: Dying but the tough times will pass.

Hi guys, I just ended one out of 3 presentations, and the other two are due on Monday and Tuesday. Thereafter, my assignment is due on Friday.

I really don’t know how people manage their time given a situation like this, but I am really feeling the heat, and the quality of my work is dropping significantly. What to do, what to do.. I have 1 week to my assignment and I still have to prep for 2 presentations.

I know this is a lesson in time management, but I really feel like it’s also testing my endurance. How far can my mind go without breaking.. How far can I keep up the quality of my work. It’s… really crazy.

But I gotta keep up with this. It’s only one more week till all of this is over, and I really don’t want to look back at it all and say I could’ve done better… The tough times will pass, but only those who pushed through will see the fruits of their labour. I must press on…

My mind.. is thoroughly trashed. I will wake up early tmr to work on my assignments. I can’t lose it now.

Week 11: Stepping back (again).

Things aren’t working that well right now. I lost focus. Though, to be fair, there were reasons for it, and I need to get back on track for the last leg of the term.

So recently, I have been experiencing difficulties in juggling my studies, my musical progress, my Japanese, and my training. I want to take a step back and analyze what happened, because one of my writing assignments did worse. So why?

Firstly, the assignment was written during my mid terms, and I naturally focused more on the mid-terms than the assignment. So that’s an excuse, but not a very good one.

Secondly, I was going through another bout of “music crisis” again. Typically, I would feel like what I am doing is useless when I am under high pressure, and will try to justify it with “I want to do music”. I think my thoughts should be more like “Yes I want to do music, but right now, I need to focus on my studies and think about how to go about that later.” I think its very important to learn how to manage my feelings. Sometimes it’s as simple as saying hey, you just need to focus for a while more and you’ll be able to do what you love again.

Thirdly, I shifted my focus. While in the first term, I focused much more on performing in my studies, it took up A LOT of my time. I overcompensated for most things, and I outdid myself at the cost of everything else. This term, I decided instead to focus on the other parts of my life. So a big part of my focus was shifted to changing up my diet, and playing/composing music. Naturally, my studies did not receive as much focus as required, but I did well enough until now (only my writing assignment dropped by 2 grades from the previous from an A- to a B).

So let’s discuss what to do moving forward. I know for one I cannot focus on too many things at once, and at week 11 out of 15, I can’t juggle so many things. With that in mind, I think I will keep my training program, and allow it to lax for a bit for these 4 weeks (according to my schedule) and I will focus wholly on my studies. I won’t be able to do much for music during these 2 weeks especially, with presentations and projects due. Japanese has, and will be put on the side for more urgent matters. I think when my term ends, I will put in quite a bit of effort into speaking the language, but for now, I can’t afford anything else that drains my focus till my finals end.

I feel exhausted at this point in time, but I really have to keep moving. Things will only get better within the next 4 weeks.
It’s a simple shift in focus. You can do this Kevin.

“Mid-Term” Review (End of Week 9)

Hi guys, I’m writing this straight off from the last post, after washing up a bit. I’m a bit better after trying to rationalize with myself, but I’m probably not gonna talk to my dad for a while.

I’m sort of on the last quarter of the term, but I just only finished most of my mid-terms. Tomorrow will be the last of my mid-terms before I go into presentations in week 12. So things will get busy from here.

I just want to update you guys on a few things.

I’ll save the best for last =D. But firstly, I finished my mid-terms (sorta) and I’m pretty sure I did quite well for most of them. SOOOOOO that’s good. I’m taking a small breather before the presentations start to kick in next week, so this weekend was a bit slow for me (since the mid-term tmr is sorta like a reflective essay, using concepts I already studied for for this week’s mid-term). I took time out to reconnect with my passions this weekend. It was refreshing.

Next, about my exercise and eating. I have lost A LOT of weight and I can see my abs coming out quite nicely now. Though, today was a step back for me because of the cake and dessert I ate (it’s my dad’s birthday, and it was sorta ruined by the conflict we had just now, but oh well). So yeah, I’ve been doing pretty well, although, I probably have been eating a bit too little given the stress I put on my body. I’ll endeavour to increase my portions a bit to accommodate for the extra stress I’m progressively putting on my body.

On the music side of things, I finished another composition this year, and I’m pretty proud of it. Even though it’s like a rehash of typical Japanese emo songs, I think I did pretty well this time in that I didn’t judge myself too much and let my creative energy flow. Also, my playing and rhythm has improved a lot since I started metronome practice. Still a lot of work, but at least now I’m more aware of all the different types of rhythms I tend to favour, and I’m taking more control over my practice than a few weeks ago.

And here’s the best part. I met possibly the girl of my dreams. It might be a bit too early to say, but I think there’s a good chance that we suit each other very well. I like that she also shows her interest, so I don’t need to keep guessing or be insecure about whether I am making the wrong move. The song I just composed, Under The Stars, was for a project that we both are working on. I met her unexpectedly, in a Business Law class. More updates on this when things progress haha.

Anyway, I’m quite happy with my current position, but there are things I want to plan for (like my music plans) and places I want to go. I can’t always keep going at it though, and I’m pretty shagged out after mid-terms.

 

Anyway, see you guys soon, I’ll just relax for the rest of the night.

Cooling off..

Hey guys, I’m just here to vent a bit about a situation that I was in just now.

Granted, I tend to get my temper get the best of me in situations like that. But let me explain and let me try and rationalize with myself what I should do going from here.

What happened just now was a typical argument between me and my father. He cut me off as I was trying to explain something multiple times, and then started trying to justify himself, and hurt me in the process. The words he uses tends to be grating on the ears, and the way he justifies his arguments can be quite unreasonable, but leaves no room for his opponent to argue due to his immense stubbornness.

My reaction then was pretty simple. As he cut me off multiple times, I got progressively more and more annoyed. When I started raising my voice over his because he kept trying to cut me off, he got defensive. And that’s where he made a comment which pissed me off. Then my temper just took over like that. Which was not very pretty, but it was still pretty controlled, in a sense that I just told him good night and tried to leave the dining area, albeit in a very frustrated way.

To be fair, I am not totally without fault, and should not attribute everything that I did to my father’s behaviour. While the disrespectful behaviour is his, I could have chosen to react in a less aggressive manner. I am still seething from this, so I’m not really sure how I am gonna approach this in the next few days. I want him to know that his behaviour was inappropriate, but I also don’t think I acted in the best way.

To be honest, I should let the matter rest. Funny how it just happened a few minutes ago and I’m trying to let go of it. But next time, I really shouldn’t flare up like that. I guess things like this happen, and I’m not one to be very good at controlling my anger.

But thank you for entertaining my thought process guys, it helps me put things into perspective better. I’ll do another post right after this for my future plans as well as my mid-term reflections because I can’t be bothered to study anymore due to what just happened.

 

Weary.

Hey guys, it’s nearly 10pm now, and I just finished studying for the day. To be honest, now’s just a shitty time for me. Mid-term’s aren’t done, I feel like I’m going nowhere with life again, and the whole cycle repeats.

Maybe it’s cos I’m tired, and maybe it’s cos I want something more out of my life.

I think it’s a combination of both. Like, I kind of lack the motivation to do music after I study, but then again, I need to do that to feel fulfilled. It’s this constant back and forth between “should I do my schoolwork” and “I’ll sit down and compose proper right now”. Perhaps I need to schedule these sessions so I really sit down and compose and work on something that fulfills me. Sometimes, I sit here and go, hey, I’m too tired to compose right now, so I’ll just play some heroes of the storm or some other computer game. And so passes the only time when I can compose without disturbance.

I guess reflecting on it, it’s mostly my fault. Sometimes, I really wish I could do music like Yu Hng. There’s still so much to learn, and so much holding me back. I mean, not only just external things like my parents, or money and all. It’s also me. I’m really scared of it. I’m scared of failure. But it makes me feel even worse for not trying.

I’ll do it, I’ll work on it.