Hope.

I know it’s kinda awkward that I tend to emo here.. But I’d like to record every moment I feel down, happy, sad, whatever, so that I can look back on my memories when I read my blog again.. Today I’m feeling pressure from NS.. Right. Let’s begin shall we.

Today I’m sick. Mentally, physically.

Mentally because I get a sinking feeling every time I need to book back in.

Physically, because I’m running a fever.

I know my older self would read this and be like, bah, I was stupid back then.

But the odds always feel like they’re against me.

I feel sad to leave my family behind every week. It’s a painful, tugging, lonely feeling that I contend with every Sunday. I don’t have much going in the way of friends. Just superficial ones to get by. Can’t find someone to confide in because when I try, it gets awkward and they don’t know what to do either. Even my parents.

I’m not angry with them or anything. It’s just pulling at me every time I book out.

You know I try to cram ALL I wanna do into the teeny bit of time I can book out. It feels exhausting, painful, and hard to keep up. Which probably built up to this long, persistent fever that I have right now. It’s been 4 days and the temperature’s still there. Oh well.

I fell forward during parade last Thursday. I felt weak. They rushed me to the Medical Bay and put me on drip. It was an experience. When I went home, I was happy. But I was also sad.

1 day before every book out day.

The only full day we’re given to ourselves…

I would feel a tugging feeling.

This cycle must end. I can’t go through this like this.

Yet I hope for better days..