Stumble, but move on.

A tad bit lonely, but I’m looking ahead.

These few days, I’ve been meeting with good people, and doing great things for my life. Though not as intense as I was back then, I’m moving forward slowly.

Allow me to explain my previous post. So I met this girl, and we hit it off pretty well. I wanted to confess to her at the end of the Ishikawa Homstay. Somewhere along the line, I didn’t see the signs, and I was talking a lot more to another girl. That girl ended up thinking that I liked her, and told the girl I liked. That’s where they both started to hate me. To be honest, I’m not sure what I did to make the other girl think that way, but I guess it takes two hands to clap, I’m not gonna deny that I’m partly to blame for the way she thought.

And so it all ended in this catastrophic confrontation, where I no longer am friends with either of them.

I’m wearing my heart on my chest, because that’s what I resolved to do. I made mistakes, and I’m hurt because of it. But that doesn’t mean that I wallow in self-pity like I last did. Rather, I’m trying to move on, but I still feel it. I feel all the hurt but I’m no longer crying like I once did. It’s just, a bit lonely now and again.

I’ll move forward somehow. There’s a lot of positive things coming up for me in my life, and it’s not all doom and gloom.

Some things that are happening with my life:

  1. My GPA is awesome. So I’m looking into a scholarship. I realized that I really love Japan, and I probably will for the rest of my life. So with that in mind, I’ll probably get a scholarship related to Japan and study really hard for it.
  2. During the trip, my host did some mana cards (Hawaiian Tarot-like cards) and the cards told me that I have too many possibilities with my life, and I should really sit down and reflect what kind of person I want to be, and then move forward with a clear goal, throwing away all the things that don’t matter as much to me. In some ways, I feel like I need to really settle what is it that I really want to do for the rest of my life. Right now, I’m feeling like music just isn’t cutting it for me.
  3. I’m gonna start uploading stuff on Instagram just to build up a social media platform, but, as I said, I feel like music isn’t getting me anywhere.

Hmm yeah that’s about it, but I’m slowly thinking that maybe a life with music isn’t really what I want anymore. Or, rather, I cannot be as good a musician as I’d like to be, and I’m better off focusing on the stuff that can really benefit me in future, like, my degree and Japanese.

I mean, I don’t know if I will ever let go of my rockstar dreams (I’ll still pay homage to my roots as a musician by gigging and all), but maybe it’s time to seriously consider if I really wanted music to be a career, or whether it’s more off a “it’ll be nice if…” kind of thing.

Seeing my host family live together, I realized a few things.

Happiness exists in many forms, and sometimes, chasing one type of happiness will only bring you pain. That’s how I feel about music right now. Sometimes, I keep thinking about how I’m not the best musician and all, and it hurts. There’s a lot of things I’d like to work on, but in my own time. It’s something I like, but I don’t know if I can ever make a living out of.

Yeah, so these are just my thoughts right now. I don’t know what the future holds, but I think I might end up working with my degree and Japanese for the rest of my life.

I’ll leave things at that for now, it’s getting late, and I’d like some time to myself before I sleep.

Good night everyone.

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