Hi guys, I just reached a milestone in my life. A performance I’ve been preparing for 4 months for… My entry into the Dean’s List, and of course the start of the busiest part of the semester. Things are going to be really difficult soon, and I’m going to have to start preparing for the challenges I’m going to face.
I just wanted to reflect here, because I still can’t really get over the high which was my first performance on a big stage. I felt happy, a rush of adrenaline, everything felt so right. And even now I can’t stop feeling proud about myself and all I have done.
But it’s not over yet. I feel so tempted to just rest on my laurels but I need to start moving again. Everything’s starting to move at a high speed all around me but I’m still feeling that huge inertia. I think its the performance, but honestly, I have other things on my mind other than that.
If you’ve been following this blog for a while you’d know I tend to get infatuated with girls pretty easily, and then I’d act stupidly around my crush. And I think that cycle has repeated over and over and I’ve had numerous failures, rejections, and through it all I get hurt and grow less and less confident and more and more skeptical about the next one that comes along. I know for a fact that if I do act out on all of these desires it’s highly likely I’ll fail somehow. It’s just how it always ends.
It’s probably not going to be any different with this girl that I just got infatuated with. And the thought scares me that I’ll end up in that cycle again.
That’s how I feel right now. And it’s distracting me from working again.
I know it’s a little heavy but I just needed somewhere to vent out these thoughts. I know I need to change myself and stop letting past failures influence new ones. Maybe I shouldn’t think so much, and maybe I should just let it take its course. It’s just hard for me though.
Well, here are my not-so-positive thoughts. But hey, venting it out somehow made me much more comfortable. It’s just all part of life, and I know somehow, I’ll break out of this stupid cycle of insecurity. Have faith, Kevin.