Stumble, but move on.

Project Week Year 2 Semester 1 Reflection

Hey guys,

You might see that recently I’ve been out of sorts, and, to be honest I still am a bit off. But I’m trying to make sense of this weird whirlwind of feelings I’ve been hit with. On one hand, I really wanna get out of school already, because of all the bullshit that’s happening at school with some modules, and on the other hand, I’m struggling with the “I wanna do music” syndrome again. Amidst all of this, I still feel a crushing loneliness from my previous foray into relationships.

So yeah, to say I’m emotionally stable now would be a lie. But what can you do except to trudge on. To make sense of things, though, I decided to rationalize my feelings a bit here. For grades, I’m probably not doing as well as I did last sem for a number of reasons:

  1. Modules are different, some of them are difficult to study for, and I’m not exactly the best at writing succinct and convincing passages
  2. I’m spending more time on music. Not that that’s wrong, but I think, I got to be clear of my priorities in making this sacrifice. I made an unconscious decision to practice more music, but at the same time, I’m not accepting that this might mean my grades would suffer a bit
  3. I’m not focusing as well as I did during the time that I do get to study. So, usually I wouldn’t go to the piano halfway or play my games when I know I have work to do, but this time, I give in to these temptations pretty easily. The result is that become unfocused and unproductive.

So yeah, first thing I got to sort out is whether I really want to take a music degree after SMU, and if so, I have to be prepared to sacrifice the quality of my schoolwork a bit (I used to spend ALL my time on school work) to prepare for the degree requirements.

Next, I really gotta know what I want from music. Why is it that I cannot accept just letting it be a hobby? Why do I want it so badly as a career, and which part of music is it that I really want to devote myself to. Only then can my direction be clear, and the previous problem with my studies will go away too. It’s okay to dream. Sometimes, we distance ourselves from the things we love the most, and hurt ourselves in the process.

Lastly, loneliness. I think it stems from me feeling as if I’m never good enough for anyone, and feeling as if I’m the only person at home (my family tends to be independent of one another, rarely gives praise to one another, and it’s a stifling, negative atmosphere where people accuse each other, find fault with one another etc). I’ve got to learn to accept and love myself for who I am, for all my flaws. And to stand alone, not to be shaken by things like the environment I am exposed to.

So yeah, these are my thoughts for now. Admittedly, it’s still quite muddled but hey, I’m trying to rationalize my feelings instead of falling into a spiral of sadness. It’s been something I’ve been meaning to do for a while now, seeing as it helped me through a lot of tough times the last term. I need to talk more positively to myself. Oh wellz, gotta pick up the habit again cos it seems I forgot about it xD.

Stay strong, Kevin.

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