Stumble, but move on.

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Still a bit bruised.

These few days have been monotonous for me, and I’ve been thinking, where the heck am I going with my life?

It’s like, I don’t know what I’m doing, or where I’m going, I’m just floating, and I’m just feeling empty.

I’ve had time to reflect on myself, and what happened so far. It’s hard not to beat myself up over what has happened, but I’m trying not to. Sometimes my mind goes, why? why? And almost all other times I’m just getting by, and I don’t really want to achieve anything.

But there’s really no point in being sad over it and it’s not entirely my fault. It always takes two hands to clap. The best thing to do now, is to move forward, and to hope for someone better to come along.

I just need time to myself now, and I want to move on.  Things’ll only get better from here.

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A tad bit lonely, but I’m looking ahead.

These few days, I’ve been meeting with good people, and doing great things for my life. Though not as intense as I was back then, I’m moving forward slowly.

Allow me to explain my previous post. So I met this girl, and we hit it off pretty well. I wanted to confess to her at the end of the Ishikawa Homstay. Somewhere along the line, I didn’t see the signs, and I was talking a lot more to another girl. That girl ended up thinking that I liked her, and told the girl I liked. That’s where they both started to hate me. To be honest, I’m not sure what I did to make the other girl think that way, but I guess it takes two hands to clap, I’m not gonna deny that I’m partly to blame for the way she thought.

And so it all ended in this catastrophic confrontation, where I no longer am friends with either of them.

I’m wearing my heart on my chest, because that’s what I resolved to do. I made mistakes, and I’m hurt because of it. But that doesn’t mean that I wallow in self-pity like I last did. Rather, I’m trying to move on, but I still feel it. I feel all the hurt but I’m no longer crying like I once did. It’s just, a bit lonely now and again.

I’ll move forward somehow. There’s a lot of positive things coming up for me in my life, and it’s not all doom and gloom.

Some things that are happening with my life:

  1. My GPA is awesome. So I’m looking into a scholarship. I realized that I really love Japan, and I probably will for the rest of my life. So with that in mind, I’ll probably get a scholarship related to Japan and study really hard for it.
  2. During the trip, my host did some mana cards (Hawaiian Tarot-like cards) and the cards told me that I have too many possibilities with my life, and I should really sit down and reflect what kind of person I want to be, and then move forward with a clear goal, throwing away all the things that don’t matter as much to me. In some ways, I feel like I need to really settle what is it that I really want to do for the rest of my life. Right now, I’m feeling like music just isn’t cutting it for me.
  3. I’m gonna start uploading stuff on Instagram just to build up a social media platform, but, as I said, I feel like music isn’t getting me anywhere.

Hmm yeah that’s about it, but I’m slowly thinking that maybe a life with music isn’t really what I want anymore. Or, rather, I cannot be as good a musician as I’d like to be, and I’m better off focusing on the stuff that can really benefit me in future, like, my degree and Japanese.

I mean, I don’t know if I will ever let go of my rockstar dreams (I’ll still pay homage to my roots as a musician by gigging and all), but maybe it’s time to seriously consider if I really wanted music to be a career, or whether it’s more off a “it’ll be nice if…” kind of thing.

Seeing my host family live together, I realized a few things.

Happiness exists in many forms, and sometimes, chasing one type of happiness will only bring you pain. That’s how I feel about music right now. Sometimes, I keep thinking about how I’m not the best musician and all, and it hurts. There’s a lot of things I’d like to work on, but in my own time. It’s something I like, but I don’t know if I can ever make a living out of.

Yeah, so these are just my thoughts right now. I don’t know what the future holds, but I think I might end up working with my degree and Japanese for the rest of my life.

I’ll leave things at that for now, it’s getting late, and I’d like some time to myself before I sleep.

Good night everyone.


Cold and alone.

Its one of those times to go inwards. Sometimes things don’t work out the way they should, mistakes were made, and sometimes, things aren’t meant to be.

Right now, I have just fallen from a high. When you’re in love, everything feels so right, until, it ends, and you’re left with nothing.

Granted, I thought the love between us went both ways, but in the end it was just me being deluded. So ends another one of my relationships with someone I fell for.

I think I wanna take a break from relationships for these few months. This was how I felt for the past few days, and I’m still in the midst of recovering from it. Bear with me guys, I need some time to pick myself up after all that’s happened! I’ll be back at it after a few weeks. I just need time alone to reflect and all before I let my heart put the matter to rest.


The final obstacle. (lol the pun)

Hi guys, I’m feeling a bit half dead now, so I thought I’d just try to pick myself up from the ground. There’s gonna be a lot of talking to myself in this one, so hope it isn’t too awkward for you to read. xD

It’s less than 3 days to my last final exam. I’m giving up on myself, and my mind is telling me I can’t continue.

It’s like, one of those things where, you’ve suffered a lot, and since it’s the last lap, you give excuses on why you shouldn’t work your butt off anymore.

I want to tell myself now that I CAN DO IT.

Even though I feel like shit, even though everything about this term wasn’t that great, I CAN STILL MAKE A DIFFERENCE NOW.

Pick yourself up, Kevin. Do you want to finish strong, or regret that you gave up on the last few days?

I know the whole term really drained you, but this is literally the last two days that you can make a difference, and YOU CAN. If you give up now because you’re tired, it’s such a waste since you came this far. Everyone’s tired, not just you. Everyone is doing their best, and you should too. You’re no different from them, and just keep at it. After these two days, you’ll truly be free. You want to finish this knowing that YOU FINISHED STRONG. Not giving up because of all your past failures, and just because you decided to stay on the ground when you fell.

Take a breather, do what you like for this short hour, but tonight, you’re making a difference.

 

 


Week 14: The Final Lap.

Today is the Wednesday of week 14.

To be honest I got into the rhythm of studying, and it ain’t that bad. But I really can’t wait to get on with all of this. I’m pretty shagged out.

Recently I felt like I had a bit more time to breathe, and devote a little more time to exercise and playing the guitar (since my performance is coming up).

I just want to pen down a few thoughts before I grind again:

First, I can’t give up now. Even though I’m trying my best, I should keep up with the pace for the next 14 days. It’s just 2 weeks.

Second, I want to tell myself, it’s okay if you fail, just know you did all you can. Push yourself and learn from your mistakes. This term wasn’t as good as the last term, but I believe that if I learn from my mistakes, I’ll grow more as a person and my grades will follow.

Lastly, I wanna say, good job so far! (to myself). It’s the last lap. Lets go.


Week 12: Dying but the tough times will pass.

Hi guys, I just ended one out of 3 presentations, and the other two are due on Monday and Tuesday. Thereafter, my assignment is due on Friday.

I really don’t know how people manage their time given a situation like this, but I am really feeling the heat, and the quality of my work is dropping significantly. What to do, what to do.. I have 1 week to my assignment and I still have to prep for 2 presentations.

I know this is a lesson in time management, but I really feel like it’s also testing my endurance. How far can my mind go without breaking.. How far can I keep up the quality of my work. It’s… really crazy.

But I gotta keep up with this. It’s only one more week till all of this is over, and I really don’t want to look back at it all and say I could’ve done better… The tough times will pass, but only those who pushed through will see the fruits of their labour. I must press on…

My mind.. is thoroughly trashed. I will wake up early tmr to work on my assignments. I can’t lose it now.


Week 11: Stepping back (again).

Things aren’t working that well right now. I lost focus. Though, to be fair, there were reasons for it, and I need to get back on track for the last leg of the term.

So recently, I have been experiencing difficulties in juggling my studies, my musical progress, my Japanese, and my training. I want to take a step back and analyze what happened, because one of my writing assignments did worse. So why?

Firstly, the assignment was written during my mid terms, and I naturally focused more on the mid-terms than the assignment. So that’s an excuse, but not a very good one.

Secondly, I was going through another bout of “music crisis” again. Typically, I would feel like what I am doing is useless when I am under high pressure, and will try to justify it with “I want to do music”. I think my thoughts should be more like “Yes I want to do music, but right now, I need to focus on my studies and think about how to go about that later.” I think its very important to learn how to manage my feelings. Sometimes it’s as simple as saying hey, you just need to focus for a while more and you’ll be able to do what you love again.

Thirdly, I shifted my focus. While in the first term, I focused much more on performing in my studies, it took up A LOT of my time. I overcompensated for most things, and I outdid myself at the cost of everything else. This term, I decided instead to focus on the other parts of my life. So a big part of my focus was shifted to changing up my diet, and playing/composing music. Naturally, my studies did not receive as much focus as required, but I did well enough until now (only my writing assignment dropped by 2 grades from the previous from an A- to a B).

So let’s discuss what to do moving forward. I know for one I cannot focus on too many things at once, and at week 11 out of 15, I can’t juggle so many things. With that in mind, I think I will keep my training program, and allow it to lax for a bit for these 4 weeks (according to my schedule) and I will focus wholly on my studies. I won’t be able to do much for music during these 2 weeks especially, with presentations and projects due. Japanese has, and will be put on the side for more urgent matters. I think when my term ends, I will put in quite a bit of effort into speaking the language, but for now, I can’t afford anything else that drains my focus till my finals end.

I feel exhausted at this point in time, but I really have to keep moving. Things will only get better within the next 4 weeks.
It’s a simple shift in focus. You can do this Kevin.