Hey, I haven’t updated in a while. Nothing much has happened in the past few days. But I just want to pen down my thoughts, reorganize and reaffirm my goals.
You know, the job search thing is quite new to me. I got quite demoralized after getting about 4 rejections over the past few months. Although that’s probably normal, it’s fairly new to me, so that’s probably why it’s impacting me so much. I am going to an interview for a part-time job right now, and hopefully I can clinch this one this time. It won’t be an internship, but I’m just hoping to expand my working experience. I got nothing to lose, but I act as if I do. Perhaps I just need a change in attitude.
Next, I recently started dating, but we are kinda unstable. And, with her being so busy all the time, she barely has the time to meet me. Perhaps it’s because of her job, perhaps it’s because of her moving house, but it really feels shitty having to be the one to constantly get rejected. Well, I just have to see where this goes, and keep a more positive attitude.
Next, I haven’t really been spending my time efficiently. Most days, I spend a lot of time in front of the computer gaming, if not, I’m probably playing the guitar (not really practicing intensively). Perhaps it’s the crash from having too much to do in the school term. Regardless, I should get my act together now, because I have deadlines to meet. 15 June, I have an online assessment on Facebook, for social media marketing. On 7th July, I have a Japanese Language Proficiency Test (JLPT). I have half a month and a month respectively to these deadlines, so I better get on it. It should be fine, but if I need to start work, then I would probably need to plan my study sessions and stop gaming so much.
Ah responsibilities. I’m starting to learn how to be an adult and get my shit together. At 23 most people have figured that out, but because of NS and me being sheltered, I haven’t really had to take much responsibility other than just making sure my grades are good.
Yeah I have it good. But it’s time to man up and face these realities. And hey, I’ll be better for it. Keep a positive attitude and work at it, a step at a time.
On a more positive note, my grades have improved. I had my best-performing term yet, and I’m happy about it. Other than that, I’m also applying for an exchange program in Japan, still considering which uni to go to though. So there’s a lot to look forward to too, and I should look forward to these awesome experiences I’m going to have.
Time to grind.
Hey guys, the holiday has sort of started, but there’s a lot of things on my mind.
There’s a lot to do. I haven’t landed an internship yet, and quite frankly, I really want to give up at this point. But then again, I don’t really have much to do this holiday. So I’ve to fill it up with productive things. There’s stuff I want to actually do, but again, I feel so inexperienced I don’t wanna do it.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not giving excuses. I just need to express these fears, because I know there’s no way about it other than just to get to it.
So I need to start planning my days, and I just started tonight. Tomorrow, I will be more productive than I have been for the past few days. The time for relaxing is over man, I really gotta get off my ass.
Relationship frustrations. If you read that post, I think my relationship with my “girlfriend” is not going as smoothly as I had hoped. We haven’t met for 3 weeks. Sigh. I’m sure she’s really busy, but at times I wished we were like other couples, meeting more than just once a week. Oh well, that’s the dynamic she wanted to establish, I should respect that.
Still, I’m kinda sad about it. Oh well. Gotta just see what happens as we progress I guess.
I’m really not sure about how I’m feeling right now.
If any of my friends are still reading this I’m feeling frustration from being in a relationship with someone, but she’s not quite as proactive in arranging meetings, and is always too busy to meet. She ensures that I don’t get the wrong idea though (i.e. ensure I won’t think she’s avoiding me). But.. I’m feeling a tad bit lonely because we haven’t met for weeks. And I’ve tried to express this to her and tell her that I’ll miss her, but so far, all she said was “aww”. Which sort of doesn’t really tell me what she feels. I don’t know man. I’m just… frustrated at the circumstances, and I have nowhere to express it.
So I decided to write it down here. Perhaps my friend was right, that there’s differing commitment to the relationship between the both of us. I have to figure out a lot more things with my life too, compared to her who has her career figured out.
I’m really not sure, might be also because I’m too free. Well. I just needed somewhere to say this because it’s been bugging me, and I sort of have nobody to talk to about this.
Well, I’ve got to get my life together as well, what do I do with my life and all. Music, Japanese, all these things. Sigh.
We don’t always have the answer to everything, don’t we?
The last exam of the term is coming in 4 days, and I don’t feel good about the 2 that just passed.
Perhaps it’s fatigue, perhaps it’s not studying right, but I think there’s a lot to learn from this semester.
This semester was really full of surprises. Starting out the semester, I knew I wanted to do better. I did for the first two mid-terms, and now, on to the finals, I’m limping to the finishing line again. Just how do my friends keep up with everything, I’ll never know. But one stark difference between them and me is that they have a sense of surety about them, and they don’t “over-study”. The fact that I invest a lot of effort into studying, but sometimes screw up is probably because of that. I over-think during exams which lead to poorer performance than what I am capable of. I am sure that if I had employed better exam skills, better logical thinking, I would probably be able to eliminate several costly mistakes. Yeah, as you can tell, sometimes I really regret being so careless. Oh well, that’s my tendency, and I should work on it more. No point in being salty about it.
But there’s a lot of things I did right. I studied really well for the mid-terms, I was able to overcome my musical problems yet again and mastered the Hotel California solo. I treated myself right and rewarded myself appropriately.
I tried to apply for internships but failed miserably. But I learnt so much from it. About presenting yourself, and not trying to pretend, and just being succinct with your answers. You must really know what you want and show it to your would-be employers. I’m going to bring that mentality into my next job interview and constantly review what I have to do. I’m fairly new, so I shouldn’t beat myself up over it. I’m still struggling to prevent myself from doing so, but I will not yield to self-blaming. Failure is never an endpoint. It’s a lesson so that you can do better next time.
Not all was that bad. In fact, the best thing that happened in my life was when I finally learnt to be honest with my feelings. It was so hard to approach her and tell her how I felt in person. But I did. And that’s something to be proud of since I’ve always tried to play games and shied away from expressing them. While we still have a long way to go, I’m happy that I finally came through with being honest and finally started dating.
Not all good things have to be measured and tangible. Not everything can go smoothly no matter how much you try to control the situation. The only thing we can do is trust ourselves and hope for the best. And sometimes we need to stop and count our blessings to see how much we have rather than what could have been.
This term was such a roller-coaster ride. Perhaps that’s just life isn’t it? You win some, you lose some. But oh well, all we can do is persevere and move on as best we can, learning from our mistakes, and moving forward. We will get there eventually. 🙂
You might see that recently I’ve been out of sorts, and, to be honest I still am a bit off. But I’m trying to make sense of this weird whirlwind of feelings I’ve been hit with. On one hand, I really wanna get out of school already, because of all the bullshit that’s happening at school with some modules, and on the other hand, I’m struggling with the “I wanna do music” syndrome again. Amidst all of this, I still feel a crushing loneliness from my previous foray into relationships.
So yeah, to say I’m emotionally stable now would be a lie. But what can you do except to trudge on. To make sense of things, though, I decided to rationalize my feelings a bit here. For grades, I’m probably not doing as well as I did last sem for a number of reasons:
- Modules are different, some of them are difficult to study for, and I’m not exactly the best at writing succinct and convincing passages
- I’m spending more time on music. Not that that’s wrong, but I think, I got to be clear of my priorities in making this sacrifice. I made an unconscious decision to practice more music, but at the same time, I’m not accepting that this might mean my grades would suffer a bit
- I’m not focusing as well as I did during the time that I do get to study. So, usually I wouldn’t go to the piano halfway or play my games when I know I have work to do, but this time, I give in to these temptations pretty easily. The result is that become unfocused and unproductive.
So yeah, first thing I got to sort out is whether I really want to take a music degree after SMU, and if so, I have to be prepared to sacrifice the quality of my schoolwork a bit (I used to spend ALL my time on school work) to prepare for the degree requirements.
Next, I really gotta know what I want from music. Why is it that I cannot accept just letting it be a hobby? Why do I want it so badly as a career, and which part of music is it that I really want to devote myself to. Only then can my direction be clear, and the previous problem with my studies will go away too. It’s okay to dream. Sometimes, we distance ourselves from the things we love the most, and hurt ourselves in the process.
Lastly, loneliness. I think it stems from me feeling as if I’m never good enough for anyone, and feeling as if I’m the only person at home (my family tends to be independent of one another, rarely gives praise to one another, and it’s a stifling, negative atmosphere where people accuse each other, find fault with one another etc). I’ve got to learn to accept and love myself for who I am, for all my flaws. And to stand alone, not to be shaken by things like the environment I am exposed to.
So yeah, these are my thoughts for now. Admittedly, it’s still quite muddled but hey, I’m trying to rationalize my feelings instead of falling into a spiral of sadness. It’s been something I’ve been meaning to do for a while now, seeing as it helped me through a lot of tough times the last term. I need to talk more positively to myself. Oh wellz, gotta pick up the habit again cos it seems I forgot about it xD.
Stay strong, Kevin.
A moment of silence between two people. One draws away and leaves as the music plays, leaving the other behind to his own thoughts. He quietly contemplates what that meant. He thought to chase after her, but briefly decided against it. A slow, drawn out melody of pain and regret. He wondered if some higher power had intended for this cruel metaphor to happen for its own amusement.
Alone, in a seemingly endless vortex of emotion, he silently looked up at the back of the stage. He wondered, briefly, if all he’d ever wanted was to be loved. “No, I am already loved,” he thought. “So why then, do I feel this longing?” He picked himself up slowly from the floor, musing to himself. He decided to leave for the room where she went.
Rejection. Loneliness, and regret. Pain and suffering. Was there happiness for him in this life? Or was it but a fleeting dream, ever so in reach, but never attainable?
He sighed as his eyes searched the room. Quickly, he spotted her chatting happily with her friend. He allowed himself a slight smile and tipped his head towards the floor. Maybe, just maybe there was no meaning to all of this at all. She smiled at him and continued her conversation with her friend. Nodding to her silently, he walked back out to the back of the stage. The heart-wrenching melody was reaching a sorrowful climax, and in that moment he realized what his heart needed all of this time.
It wasn’t that he wasn’t loved. He just didn’t love himself. He wanted someone to love him so that he could finally come to terms with himself that he was wanted. That he wasn’t just another person passing by in another’s life. He couldn’t love himself for who he was.
The song ended and the stage was silent. He took a deep breath. A tear rolling down his cheek, he turned his back and left.
Stay with me, if even for just a little while.
Hi guys, I just reached a milestone in my life. A performance I’ve been preparing for 4 months for… My entry into the Dean’s List, and of course the start of the busiest part of the semester. Things are going to be really difficult soon, and I’m going to have to start preparing for the challenges I’m going to face.
I just wanted to reflect here, because I still can’t really get over the high which was my first performance on a big stage. I felt happy, a rush of adrenaline, everything felt so right. And even now I can’t stop feeling proud about myself and all I have done.
But it’s not over yet. I feel so tempted to just rest on my laurels but I need to start moving again. Everything’s starting to move at a high speed all around me but I’m still feeling that huge inertia. I think its the performance, but honestly, I have other things on my mind other than that.
If you’ve been following this blog for a while you’d know I tend to get infatuated with girls pretty easily, and then I’d act stupidly around my crush. And I think that cycle has repeated over and over and I’ve had numerous failures, rejections, and through it all I get hurt and grow less and less confident and more and more skeptical about the next one that comes along. I know for a fact that if I do act out on all of these desires it’s highly likely I’ll fail somehow. It’s just how it always ends.
It’s probably not going to be any different with this girl that I just got infatuated with. And the thought scares me that I’ll end up in that cycle again.
That’s how I feel right now. And it’s distracting me from working again.
I know it’s a little heavy but I just needed somewhere to vent out these thoughts. I know I need to change myself and stop letting past failures influence new ones. Maybe I shouldn’t think so much, and maybe I should just let it take its course. It’s just hard for me though.
Well, here are my not-so-positive thoughts. But hey, venting it out somehow made me much more comfortable. It’s just all part of life, and I know somehow, I’ll break out of this stupid cycle of insecurity. Have faith, Kevin.