Stumble, but move on.

Uncategorized

Purpose.

Hey there, I am writing this on the sunny morning of the first day of Chinese New Year.

I might be going out early for lunch, so I’ll make it short.

These few days, have felt very monotonous to me. Kind of like how I felt in army, but not as bad. But it’s a feeling of meaninglessness, and that kind of drifting by kind of feeling. It’s been on for a few days.

I sort of get it, it’s like same old boring kinda routine, and I’m not really enjoying what was novel to me in the not so distant past. And I’m a bit different from last term. Perhaps I’ve let go of that high standard I always held myself to, and decided to spend more time on myself. But the thing is, I also feel insecure spending that time on other things other than study.

Overall its a different and more negative vibe from the start of last semester, and I really wanna get back on track.

In the previous few weeks, I realized that there are some things in my life I am pretty dissatisfied with. I want answers to these questions of meaning and all. But I really don’t know man. Sometimes I just lose my way amidst all the chaos and expectations around me.

Recently I took a workshop on career path (from the university) and he emphasized the importance of being happy in your job. That got me thinking. Do I really want to work a business job? What is this inadequacy and dread in my mind that I feel? Is it simply being afraid or is it something deeper?

I need to get back on track though. I need to tell myself that for now, I need to settle my work, and the answers to these questions have to wait. And, of course, I shouldn’t hold myself to previous work or expectations. Do my best, and let whatever comes out of it come out.

Sigh. Perhaps I should look at this in another perspective. I should talk to people too. People that are struggling with the same things I am facing. Pretty sure there are a lot of people like that within my CCA.

Okay, I’ll get back to grinding for mid-terms. Stay frosty guys.

Advertisements

Reflections: Week 5 Semester 2

Hi guys, didn’t realize its been 3 weeks since I last updated.

A little bit about how life has been going. About a week ago I submitted two of my first major assignments for 2 mods. I feel okay about them, but I feel like this term I haven’t worked nearly as much as the last.

I’ve been playing with my band too. Its been good being the keyboardist, but I’ve consistently found difficulty in making parts that fit with the overall vibe. I might find a way, I might not. But for now, I just wanna play, don’t really wanna think so much.

For my training, I’ve made leaps and bounds. I have more stamina, I have a much lower fat percentage, and I have been eating relatively well. If there’s one thing I should be keeping watch of, is the consistency at which I train, and of course the amount of food I eat. I realized now, that caffeine is a bit of a problem, as I have about 2 cups of tea and 1 cup of coffee a day. I’m trying to cut out the coffee, but it’s pretty tempting every time I am out. But overall, I have been focusing a lot of energy into this, and its about time I shift my focus to my studies, as mid-terms are coming. On a side note, I can finally see my abs coming out xD its a proud moment.

I have been neglecting my Japanese studies, but it’s fine really, since I’ve been concentrating on so many things at once. I will get back into Japanese media as soon as I finish up my mid terms revision.

So yeah just a quick update post, and a very, very messy state of mind. Today has just been tiring for me, hope you guys understand. Hopefully I will wake up more productive and focused tomorrow, because today I spent a lot of time not feeling very good because I had to study but also spend time on music and Japanese. So my mind was torn in between all of it, and I kind of felt really unproductive in everything.

For now, I will be shifting my focus wholly on my mid terms, and keeping up with my exercise regime. That’s all, the rest will have to wait till after the next 2 or 3 weeks.

Well, I guess I’m too tired to carry on, so I’ll leave it at that first.


Reflections: Week 2, Semester 2

 

Hi guys, its the end of week 2 of term 2, and this is where everything starts to pick up. So I went through 2 weeks of school, and honestly, I don’t feel like studying still. I’m moving along, but I still have some sort of adverse feeling to studying. Anyway! Finally a nice song for the first post since the start of the term! I like this medley, and you guys should seriously check it out. Gives me the feels man. Anyway!

Allow me to reflect on the week’s happenings.

Basically, I’ve shifted my focus over to my side stuff instead of my studies in these few weeks. While making sure I met deadlines for small admin stuff and homework, much of the rest of my time was devoted to exercising and playing music. Oh and a bit of Japanese. So I feel as if I need to start shifting my focus to my studies again, but I need to do so in a gradual and balanced manner. Perhaps to get more work done, I should stay more in school and allow myself time to rest when I get back home after doing all the work.

With that being said, I did do pretty well in what I set out to do, which is cut down my activities, and prioritize. For one, I have been exercising fairly consistently, not entirely sticking to schedule, but not stopping for more than 2 days (I allow myself a bit more rest at times due to the fact that my nutrition and busy days don’t allow for that intense a workout regime without leading to fatigue or illness). So I did pretty well on that. My nutrition still needs some work though, and I am looking into alternatives to make sure I get enough energy and protein to go about my day.

I have narrowed down my musical commitment to just piano, and have found more joy and happiness just focusing on one instrument where I feel the most enabled with. Sure, I still play the guitar, but I believe that the piano is the instrument that speaks to me the most. However, I need to sight-read more, and I have not been faithful to my resolution to sight-read at least 30 min a day. I will get to that in the coming weeks. Oh, and compose more. I haven’t done anything concrete since I finished From The Ashes (sorta finished, but too lazy to make it better)

Lastly, I’ve not been doing much for Japanese. With one instrument out of the way, and one more lesson struck off by the end of the month (I’m ending my Sunday play by ear lessons and keeping my classical lessons every Friday), I should have more time for this. As most of the practice should be done both passively and actively, I can work to increase my passive practice of the language due to my lack of time. As a rule of thumb, I will be incorporating some Japanese blogs, and watch/consume more Japanese media in the coming weeks. Let’s see how it goes.

So to summarize, what I will do:

  1. Finish more work in school, and start focusing on doing my assignments right
  2. Make healthier eating choices, and reduce caffeine intake
  3. Sight read 30 min a day, and start composing
  4. Increase consumption of Japanese media, and start practicing using blogs and messages

Yep, its still not an easy schedule to follow, and I think I will have to drop even more commitments to make all of this happen. Currently, the only commitment I have left hanging besides all of this is my band. Honestly I don’t know what to do with them. For one, they allow me to practice and further my repertoire, but for another, I don’t really care for a lot of the songs that they play, and it requires a lot of time to do well.

Then again my bandmates would cite that they are busier than me. I don’t really think so, it’s just a matter of priorities. I prioritize different things from them, and hence have either the same amount of time or less time than them to myself. But oh well forgive me for ranting, but it seems like everyone likes to compare how much busier they are than you, and sorta feel entitled to your attention or devotion just because you seem to have less “official” commitments than them. Oh well.

Enough complaining. It’s almost time to start a new week. Time to hustle.

P.S. I blogged because I felt really lazy to do anything, and felt that it’ll help me re-align myself to be clear of my goals.

Goodnight.


2017 Reflection: Looking Back and Ahead.

Hey guys its close to the end of the year and I’m just sitting here in the middle of the night blogging. In my comfy new chair, with a very content heart.

Looking Back: What I did well, what could be done better.

2017’s been amazing for me. NS ended (still can’t believe its the same year) and I entered uni, met really good friends and did very well for my exams. I formed a band from an online forum the previous year, quit it because it didn’t work out, and found a new band after. I performed a few times over the course of the year and improved myself significantly. I also got a really good grade for my N4 exam. I exercised and lost a LOT of weight. I really couldn’t ask for more. I am grateful for what’s been given to me, and I’m glad I worked hard for everything that I set out to achieve.

Whilst I’m not one to buy a lot of stuff constantly, I still feel like my spending is more to the slightly higher side. So that’s kind of a bummer, because I really enjoy buying good stuff.

So that’s the main thing I gotta focus on in the coming years. I’d say, I have a lot of books and games in my room and my com that I haven’t got around to finishing, but yet I still buy more. It’s like, the retail therapy addiction yaknow. I love to buy new stuff. Who doesn’t right HAHA.

Yeah and I love Starbucks, so I end up spending quite a bit on coffee.

So, what are the things I gotta get round to doing to improve my spending habits?

Hmm for one, maybe try to choose the cheaper option for food more. Since I’m often in the central area (cos duh SMU) of Singapore, I can easily drop 12 dollars or more on a single meal (coffee and Food Republic for example). So maybe I don’t always need that extra coffee if I’m at Food Rep, maybe just buy some water to get me through the day. It’s so tempting though to just splurge on drinks. =/ bad habits die hard. Oh but I do buy water instead of sugar drinks a lot more often now, and I’m attributing my massive weight loss to my switch to coffee, tea and water as my main beverages. Good on ya Kevin.

With leisure spending, I don’t spend often but I do spend a lot at one go. So, say, there’s a sale, I’d buy like 3 games or 2 books, and sometimes when there isn’t a sale, I’d just buy some stuff too. So, I think one solution to this is to just try and avoid sales unless I have a specific thing I want. Or just be more careful about considering the value of my purchases, or whether or not I really need that many things. To be honest I’ve not been buying a lot of guitar stuff, but I did spend a lot on virtual instruments, and I will probably end up buying another keyboard, audio interface and microphones in the foreseeable future. Each of those purchases can cost from a few hundred to a couple of thousands of dollars. I think I should consider my needs and current equipment more objectively before making my purchases.

Looking Ahead.

I was actually halfway this post last night, before I went to play some games with my friends. Anyway, let’s take a look at what I plan to do in the future.

  1. Continue with the good stuff: Japanese, Piano and Studies.

This coming year, I’ll be focusing more on these 3 aspects of my life. Notice how I didn’t put in guitar: that’s right, I have to mill down my responsibilities, and I guess guitar can’t be as big a priority as I’d like it to be. To be honest this was a very tough decision for me, but I think for this year and the coming years, I’ve got to concentrate on piano.

Here’s why. I’m planning to get some credentials in music before I graduate. So that means I’ve got to choose an instrument to work on for my certification. I’ve thought about classical guitar, or just rock guitar. But I realized while I certainly can get those grades later on, right now the piano is not only more profitable (in Singapore its more recognised for now), its necessary to have keyboard skills in whatever field you choose in music anyway. And, I’ve been playing for 4 years now, so, I’m in a good position to move ahead with it. The aim is to get a DipABRSM and another diploma from SOMA in Music Production and Songwriting. Hopefully this will give me a solid foundation to start teaching or getting work in the music industry.

For Japanese, if I can take N3 this coming year, I would. I’m not rushing this though, but I should be able to finish N3 and N2 by the end of my uni term hopefully. This allows me to prepare for my other dream which is to stay in Japan for a while. Sooo that with my business degree should be good enough to allow me that luxury.

Oh and continue exercising regularly of course. Not neglecting my workouts so that I can have a healthy body and mind for my work.

With that in mind, I hope 2018 will be just as fruitful as 2017.

2. Improve on myself.

There were some things I mentioned while Looking Back that I gotta improve. I’m going to work on my work ethics, and of course my spending habits. Also, being more confident of myself, and getting out there and actually talking to girls. I find that if I really like someone, I’d be really afraid of texting them, and sometimes a bit afraid to in real life. It’s funny how my problems are the reverse of most people, cos text is so much more convenient and all. I guess I hate waiting on their replies and the disappointment that comes with it.

Yeah, so that’s a brief summary of what I plan to do in the coming years. I think I’ll expand more on my musical studies in another post. All the nitty-gritty technical stuff.

 

Alright cya guys in the next one. Happy holidays and hope you guys had a fruitful 2017.


Reflections: My First University Term

Hi guys, I wanted to start this morning off with looking back and moving forward. As is customary with this blog, I would pen down my own thoughts about the previous milestone, and try to see if there were things that I could do better in future.

For those who aren’t familiar, I have just finished my first term of Business Management in SMU. In other words I’m half done with my academic terms for my first year, and will be embarking on the next term in 2 weeks.

So I just got my results back 2 days ago, and I’d say it was pretty good. Not as good as I could’ve done if I had studied a little smarter, but better than I expected. I’m in pretty good standing for the next term.

So lets talk about what I did wrong.

I think one of the major problems was how I didn’t pace myself early on. I think that that’s the biggest flaw in my first term. I committed to too many things and I went full speed like a mad perfectionist in both my homework, and my quizzes.

To be honest, I spent waaaayyy too much time on studies and I never gave much to the rest of my life. And that hurt me because I was burnt out by the time projects had finished, only to end up jumping into the fire that is Finals.

This leads me to the second thing that I did wrong. I made the right call to start revision early. But I didn’t study smart. Especially for Financial Accounting, where I could’ve most certainly gotten an A had I studied smarter.

For skill-based subjects, I’ve found it would be more productive to skim through the chapters, then do the practice papers, and then work on the holes in your concepts. I didn’t follow my professor’s advice and this cost me a lot. I was really afraid of the paper, and all, but fortunately, I got a B+. Not too shabby but it could’ve been much better. A lesson for the future.

The things I did right… Luckily this list is longer than the previous HAHA.

Firstly, I’d like to pat myself on the back for being much more positive throughout the term. I did falter towards the end of my projects and just before finals, but I feel that I’ve been positive towards situations where I would have otherwise broken down in the past. I think part of it is maturity of thought, and part of it was the huge support I got from my friends. Either way, I hope to keep this mentality moving forward.

Secondly, I gave everything my all despite the overwhelming amount of work. No matter how tired I was, I made sure that all my stuff was done before I slept, and thankfully, I never had a night where I stayed up for work past 1am. In any case, there were few days where I lacked sleep, and I believe this helped me to concentrate on my school work.

I learnt how to prioritize my work too. Like how I decided to give up on my other endeavours for school work, and also quit the things that weren’t working out for me (Sound Foundry Rotational Training). To be honest this was the biggest hurdle for me, because I’m someone who wants everything. But I’m glad I prioritized my work towards the end. I think keeping the mentality that the less urgent things matter less and that I can always do them later on is important because sometimes I feel like I’m neglecting these pursuits when really, I’m just putting them on hold for more urgent matters.

So I hope that going forward I will learn from my strengths and work on the areas I fell short. Pacing is important, as I realize now that my work ethic of start strong finish weak isn’t the best.

Oh and I might reflect more on this in the coming weeks and post something more. For now I’m just planning and prioritizing my stuff, and thinking about my music diploma and all (more on my future plans in another post).

So yeah, hope you guys have a Merry Christmas (today’s the Eve wow) and happy holidays! Cya again!


Release.

Hi guys, its been 3 days since finals finished. I finally can take a breather from all the work that’s been occupying my life for the past 3 months. It’s been a long, crazy crazy first semester and I think I got out on the other side a bit stronger, but very much tired out from it.

So a few updates on my life. Finals ended on Saturday, that’s 3 days ago, and I took out some time to relax, got a new pair of shoes and am gonna go and collect a new bag so that I can bring my laptop to uni easier, and probably gotta go out to do some more Christmas shopping haha. To be honest it feels like a lot of time wasted but I think these are necessary things any normal individual needs to do. Besides, it provide variety to the activities I do.

In other news, I just started to compose on the a new song, with the Orchestral Library I bought called Albion One. It’s a really powerful library and I’m glad I picked it up at a 100 dollar discount on Black Friday.

I named the song From The Ashes. I’d put up the draft here if I could. Let me see if that works hmm…

Well it doesn’t. But I could upload it as a video to YouTube and make it unlisted. Well nah I’ll upload it when it’s more developed. But the orchestral library is so expressive I really could get really creative with it. I felt like Hans Zimmer junior HAHA.

Let’s talk about love. Recently hadn’t had much progress with a girl I like at school, and quite frankly, I’m not quite sure if she is the right one for me. I need someone who can appreciate me for who I am and what I want to become. Quite honestly, it feels like most of the time she doesn’t care about that, and I’m not getting much response from her either when I ask her questions over sms. So yeah, I’m not sure yet, but I gotta spend more time with her in the group to come to my final conclusion.

So yea finals are over, and I really want to go out Christmas Shopping bahaha.

Exciting times ahead. Anyway, cya guys in the next post!

 


The things that matter.

Hi guys, as I prepare for my final exams, I just wanna talk a bit to myself.

Recently I’ve been feeling really horrible.

Allow me to illustrate my thoughts.

It feels as if I went out of the frying pan and into the fire. As I sit here now, I really feel burnt out, and I’m blaming all my circumstances and getting angry with myself. For the past few days I’ve been moping about my situation and, granted, doing something about it.

But because I’ve been trapped in a spiral of blaming and complaining, I haven’t really had as effective a learning process as I could have had I focused all that energy into learning what I have to.

Which brings me now to write this post today.

I am tired. I am beaten up, I went through a lot. Yes, I over-extended myself for all my projects, and yes I overdid all the little things that didn’t require that much effort. That’s my excuse, and that’s a pretty good one.

I have a lot to revise and my study situation feels as if I haven’t done enough, even though I worked my ass off for the past few weeks. Angry, frustrated and disappointed.

But I feel, there were things that I did wrong even though I did put in the effort. For example, maybe with skill or application-based subjects, I should focus more on practice than going through all the content.

You see, even though there’s a lot of value in revisiting all the topics, in a subject like Financial Accounting, the best way to learn is to apply it constantly when you’re lacking time.

So yes, I made a mistake there, and now I have to go back and fill up all the gaps. Also, my revision for another subject suffered greatly due to me doing this, and I’m still really afraid for this subject.

Another thing is that I waited till most of my projects were over before I started revision. I should’ve started even though I had projects. I needed more than just 2 weeks to cover all this content. Also I didn’t do comprehensive notes over the course of the term, which made me have to go back and do those for two of my mods. Overall, time management is a big issue, and spending too much effort on small things also contributed to where I am now.

It’s all about working smart, and balancing my life smart.

Reflecting on this, I can see why things are the way they are now. However, the best solution is to work with what I have, and not mope about it. Someday I’ll look back on this day and say, hey, I should’ve been more resilient and all. But it doesn’t come easy, especially when you’re this tired. It’s what separate the men from the boys I guess.

Its easy to quit now. But I’m not going to. I will not yield to this pressure.

I have come this far now, and I have worked so hard. It’s fine if I fuck up, but I want to fuck up knowing I did all I can to stop it.

Then I’ll reevaluate, and move on with my life. IT IS NOT THE END OF THE WORLD.

–.– I’m acting like it is.

Even when you’re down, trudge on till the end because reaching the end is more beautiful than staying on the ground. Lets do this.