You might see that recently I’ve been out of sorts, and, to be honest I still am a bit off. But I’m trying to make sense of this weird whirlwind of feelings I’ve been hit with. On one hand, I really wanna get out of school already, because of all the bullshit that’s happening at school with some modules, and on the other hand, I’m struggling with the “I wanna do music” syndrome again. Amidst all of this, I still feel a crushing loneliness from my previous foray into relationships.
So yeah, to say I’m emotionally stable now would be a lie. But what can you do except to trudge on. To make sense of things, though, I decided to rationalize my feelings a bit here. For grades, I’m probably not doing as well as I did last sem for a number of reasons:
- Modules are different, some of them are difficult to study for, and I’m not exactly the best at writing succinct and convincing passages
- I’m spending more time on music. Not that that’s wrong, but I think, I got to be clear of my priorities in making this sacrifice. I made an unconscious decision to practice more music, but at the same time, I’m not accepting that this might mean my grades would suffer a bit
- I’m not focusing as well as I did during the time that I do get to study. So, usually I wouldn’t go to the piano halfway or play my games when I know I have work to do, but this time, I give in to these temptations pretty easily. The result is that become unfocused and unproductive.
So yeah, first thing I got to sort out is whether I really want to take a music degree after SMU, and if so, I have to be prepared to sacrifice the quality of my schoolwork a bit (I used to spend ALL my time on school work) to prepare for the degree requirements.
Next, I really gotta know what I want from music. Why is it that I cannot accept just letting it be a hobby? Why do I want it so badly as a career, and which part of music is it that I really want to devote myself to. Only then can my direction be clear, and the previous problem with my studies will go away too. It’s okay to dream. Sometimes, we distance ourselves from the things we love the most, and hurt ourselves in the process.
Lastly, loneliness. I think it stems from me feeling as if I’m never good enough for anyone, and feeling as if I’m the only person at home (my family tends to be independent of one another, rarely gives praise to one another, and it’s a stifling, negative atmosphere where people accuse each other, find fault with one another etc). I’ve got to learn to accept and love myself for who I am, for all my flaws. And to stand alone, not to be shaken by things like the environment I am exposed to.
So yeah, these are my thoughts for now. Admittedly, it’s still quite muddled but hey, I’m trying to rationalize my feelings instead of falling into a spiral of sadness. It’s been something I’ve been meaning to do for a while now, seeing as it helped me through a lot of tough times the last term. I need to talk more positively to myself. Oh wellz, gotta pick up the habit again cos it seems I forgot about it xD.
Stay strong, Kevin.
A moment of silence between two people. One draws away and leaves as the music plays, leaving the other behind to his own thoughts. He quietly contemplates what that meant. He thought to chase after her, but briefly decided against it. A slow, drawn out melody of pain and regret. He wondered if some higher power had intended for this cruel metaphor to happen for its own amusement.
Alone, in a seemingly endless vortex of emotion, he silently looked up at the back of the stage. He wondered, briefly, if all he’d ever wanted was to be loved. “No, I am already loved,” he thought. “So why then, do I feel this longing?” He picked himself up slowly from the floor, musing to himself. He decided to leave for the room where she went.
Rejection. Loneliness, and regret. Pain and suffering. Was there happiness for him in this life? Or was it but a fleeting dream, ever so in reach, but never attainable?
He sighed as his eyes searched the room. Quickly, he spotted her chatting happily with her friend. He allowed himself a slight smile and tipped his head towards the floor. Maybe, just maybe there was no meaning to all of this at all. She smiled at him and continued her conversation with her friend. Nodding to her silently, he walked back out to the back of the stage. The heart-wrenching melody was reaching a sorrowful climax, and in that moment he realized what his heart needed all of this time.
It wasn’t that he wasn’t loved. He just didn’t love himself. He wanted someone to love him so that he could finally come to terms with himself that he was wanted. That he wasn’t just another person passing by in another’s life. He couldn’t love himself for who he was.
The song ended and the stage was silent. He took a deep breath. A tear rolling down his cheek, he turned his back and left.
Stay with me, if even for just a little while.
Hi guys, I just reached a milestone in my life. A performance I’ve been preparing for 4 months for… My entry into the Dean’s List, and of course the start of the busiest part of the semester. Things are going to be really difficult soon, and I’m going to have to start preparing for the challenges I’m going to face.
I just wanted to reflect here, because I still can’t really get over the high which was my first performance on a big stage. I felt happy, a rush of adrenaline, everything felt so right. And even now I can’t stop feeling proud about myself and all I have done.
But it’s not over yet. I feel so tempted to just rest on my laurels but I need to start moving again. Everything’s starting to move at a high speed all around me but I’m still feeling that huge inertia. I think its the performance, but honestly, I have other things on my mind other than that.
If you’ve been following this blog for a while you’d know I tend to get infatuated with girls pretty easily, and then I’d act stupidly around my crush. And I think that cycle has repeated over and over and I’ve had numerous failures, rejections, and through it all I get hurt and grow less and less confident and more and more skeptical about the next one that comes along. I know for a fact that if I do act out on all of these desires it’s highly likely I’ll fail somehow. It’s just how it always ends.
It’s probably not going to be any different with this girl that I just got infatuated with. And the thought scares me that I’ll end up in that cycle again.
That’s how I feel right now. And it’s distracting me from working again.
I know it’s a little heavy but I just needed somewhere to vent out these thoughts. I know I need to change myself and stop letting past failures influence new ones. Maybe I shouldn’t think so much, and maybe I should just let it take its course. It’s just hard for me though.
Well, here are my not-so-positive thoughts. But hey, venting it out somehow made me much more comfortable. It’s just all part of life, and I know somehow, I’ll break out of this stupid cycle of insecurity. Have faith, Kevin.
Hello guys, I just wanna write a post before I begin a new chapter in my studies. The road is not going to be easy, and I’d like to reaffirm myself in my abilities not just to study, but in everything else that I am going to embark on in this Semester.
For the most part, I have been doing pretty well in school, but I have always neglected relationships with people for grades: it’s a natural tradeoff, since, I’m an introvert, and I tend to prefer more solitary time and I do appreciate having enough sleep even on the worst of days. However, I think in some ways, I should really make some time for the people that matter, i.e. the friends closest to my heart.
Next, I want to reaffirm that I am a very capable and hardworking individual. Whatever I put my mind to, I will excel at. I shouldn’t need to feel fearful or worried when the deadlines and stuff are pressuring me, and I know I will always get through these challenges. And of course, if I fuck up, I fuck up. There’s no big deal. Learn from your mistakes, and move on.
And now I would like to reflect on the last semester, what could’ve been done better, and of course, what I did well.
Last semester I remember I devoted a lot of my time to studies, and I was very focused even though I got tired and pretty burnt out towards the end. However, sometimes, I think I shouldn’t judge my work to the point where I will lose sleep if I don’t go through EVERYTHING like more than thrice. Learn to trust the quality of your work.
Next, START EVERYTHING EARLY. Because you really won’t know what shit will happen down the line, and this applies ESPECIALLY to group projects, because you might feel safer in a group, but ultimately it hinges on starting early and trusting your team to do the same.
On my other endeavours:
I have dropped a lot of things that were not working for me, and I think that that has worked out for the best. Now, I am more free to pursue the things that I love in my free time rather than pursue all of those things half-heartedly like last semester. I spent a lot of time studying, and I think now that I have less commitments, I can finally start recording and composing music as well as studying Japanese proper.
So start early, trust yourself, make time for the things you love and your friends. You’ll be off to a great start before you know it, Kevin.
One last thing. The relationship I had didn’t work out, and I think I was a little too presumptuous. Well, such is life. I’ll move on with these lessons in mind.
These few days have been monotonous for me, and I’ve been thinking, where the heck am I going with my life?
It’s like, I don’t know what I’m doing, or where I’m going, I’m just floating, and I’m just feeling empty.
I’ve had time to reflect on myself, and what happened so far. It’s hard not to beat myself up over what has happened, but I’m trying not to. Sometimes my mind goes, why? why? And almost all other times I’m just getting by, and I don’t really want to achieve anything.
But there’s really no point in being sad over it and it’s not entirely my fault. It always takes two hands to clap. The best thing to do now, is to move forward, and to hope for someone better to come along.
I just need time to myself now, and I want to move on. Things’ll only get better from here.
These few days, I’ve been meeting with good people, and doing great things for my life. Though not as intense as I was back then, I’m moving forward slowly.
Allow me to explain my previous post. So I met this girl, and we hit it off pretty well. I wanted to confess to her at the end of the Ishikawa Homstay. Somewhere along the line, I didn’t see the signs, and I was talking a lot more to another girl. That girl ended up thinking that I liked her, and told the girl I liked. That’s where they both started to hate me. To be honest, I’m not sure what I did to make the other girl think that way, but I guess it takes two hands to clap, I’m not gonna deny that I’m partly to blame for the way she thought.
And so it all ended in this catastrophic confrontation, where I no longer am friends with either of them.
I’m wearing my heart on my chest, because that’s what I resolved to do. I made mistakes, and I’m hurt because of it. But that doesn’t mean that I wallow in self-pity like I last did. Rather, I’m trying to move on, but I still feel it. I feel all the hurt but I’m no longer crying like I once did. It’s just, a bit lonely now and again.
I’ll move forward somehow. There’s a lot of positive things coming up for me in my life, and it’s not all doom and gloom.
Some things that are happening with my life:
- My GPA is awesome. So I’m looking into a scholarship. I realized that I really love Japan, and I probably will for the rest of my life. So with that in mind, I’ll probably get a scholarship related to Japan and study really hard for it.
- During the trip, my host did some mana cards (Hawaiian Tarot-like cards) and the cards told me that I have too many possibilities with my life, and I should really sit down and reflect what kind of person I want to be, and then move forward with a clear goal, throwing away all the things that don’t matter as much to me. In some ways, I feel like I need to really settle what is it that I really want to do for the rest of my life. Right now, I’m feeling like music just isn’t cutting it for me.
- I’m gonna start uploading stuff on Instagram just to build up a social media platform, but, as I said, I feel like music isn’t getting me anywhere.
Hmm yeah that’s about it, but I’m slowly thinking that maybe a life with music isn’t really what I want anymore. Or, rather, I cannot be as good a musician as I’d like to be, and I’m better off focusing on the stuff that can really benefit me in future, like, my degree and Japanese.
I mean, I don’t know if I will ever let go of my rockstar dreams (I’ll still pay homage to my roots as a musician by gigging and all), but maybe it’s time to seriously consider if I really wanted music to be a career, or whether it’s more off a “it’ll be nice if…” kind of thing.
Seeing my host family live together, I realized a few things.
Happiness exists in many forms, and sometimes, chasing one type of happiness will only bring you pain. That’s how I feel about music right now. Sometimes, I keep thinking about how I’m not the best musician and all, and it hurts. There’s a lot of things I’d like to work on, but in my own time. It’s something I like, but I don’t know if I can ever make a living out of.
Yeah, so these are just my thoughts right now. I don’t know what the future holds, but I think I might end up working with my degree and Japanese for the rest of my life.
I’ll leave things at that for now, it’s getting late, and I’d like some time to myself before I sleep.
Good night everyone.
Its one of those times to go inwards. Sometimes things don’t work out the way they should, mistakes were made, and sometimes, things aren’t meant to be.
Right now, I have just fallen from a high. When you’re in love, everything feels so right, until, it ends, and you’re left with nothing.
Granted, I thought the love between us went both ways, but in the end it was just me being deluded. So ends another one of my relationships with someone I fell for.
I think I wanna take a break from relationships for these few months. This was how I felt for the past few days, and I’m still in the midst of recovering from it. Bear with me guys, I need some time to pick myself up after all that’s happened! I’ll be back at it after a few weeks. I just need time alone to reflect and all before I let my heart put the matter to rest.