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Quiet Saturday Night.

As I “rest” today and spend time away from school, I feel like I’m able to breathe a bit better and work on stuff that I really care about a bit more.

Today was just me and my laptop against the mountain of work I’m supposed to complete. To be fair, there’s much less because we are expected to wrap up our projects and start revision for our finals but I’m not really done with projects yet. I still have a presentation on Monday, which is relatively MUCH easier to prepare than those I’ve done so far. But yeah, still not done with 2 projects at this point in time, 2 weeks before finals.

But I’m happy, though I must say around this time I really lost a lot of steam that I had at the start of the term. Which is cause for reflection. I kind of stopped giving two shits about my next presentation to be honest. The quality of my work and my study suffered because of all the projects I had to prepare prior.

And that’s kind of who I am. I lose steam pretty quickly and need frequent breaks from the material that I am studying to be effective. But I got to work around this somehow. Like have goals in a day, complete them and pursue my personal goals.

Cos I realized that each day gets more and more monotonous as I lose touch with what I enjoy. For example, I can’t study Japanese or Music theory as effectively because my mind is so bombarded with my school work.

I can still play guitar and piano but I tend to lose the discipline I was able to put forth for before University began. It’s like, you know, after working so hard at something, you just don’t wanna work on anything more, especially the things you love.

So today was a time for reflection and re-focus. I got a good amount of work done today, and also balanced my other goals’ progress with it. And as I sit here on a quiet, tranquil Saturday night I feel kind of at peace finally for the first time in a long while. Deadlines are still coming, but the burden of projects have been eased.

So I went ahead and bought a workout plan from ATHLEAN-X. To recommit myself to a healthier me. And I worked a bit on my guitar stuff today. So yay, I’m moving even a little bit.

On a side note, I’m pretty screwed for Japanese finals, but at this point I got to prioritize my studies first. Anyway it’s not like I’m gonna continue with this school anymore.

Yeah just a quiet night, and I’m enjoying the atmosphere. Living in the moment.

I still miss her though. I got nowhere else to say this so I decided I’ll just write here now. Tuesdayyyy~

Yeah I shouldn’t be so desperate right HAHA.

Oh well. I’ll just leave this post at that. With renewed vigour, I shall press on.


Don’t give up now.

Hello there, just wanted to update this diary for the end of the week. Technically not the end, but 1 day before. But I’m pretty destroyed by the week’s events to be honest, and it’s not over yet.

I just want to pen down some feelings I am having now. Firstly, I want to say, it’s been a good week. Though busy, the deadlines are slowly going down one by one. The end is in sight, but I still feel like I’m chopping a tree that doesn’t seem to fall. It can feel pretty hopeless to be honest, but I’m hanging in here for better days.

I had a good run with my presentation, I think I did pretty well and managed my nervousness very well. We went to have a good dinner and I had a wee bit too much to drink. It was the first time I puked. (to my older self,  2 days ago, to be exact, Tuesday Business, Government and Society class. HAHA.)

The quiz felt relatively ok, though I’m definitely not getting full marks haha. But, I’m good for marks already so I should just let that slide.

Finals are in about two weeks and I have Japanese finals in exactly a week. Don’t know how I feel about all this, but it’s getting tough to maintain all of my goals with uni on my mind all the time.

I think at this point it’s difficult to make any major changes to my habits, so I’m going to run with what I’ve been doing (which has been effective till now at least for uni) and reevaluate my progress after. Some things have to be changed definitely, but at this stage, I think the other aspects of my life can take another 3 week break before I make changes. And hopefully I can re-focus and think more about what I’ve set out to do.

In other news I’ve kind of really really, fallen for someone. Its affecting me, and I’m missing her now. I don’t know what the future holds for this, but right now I hope that things continue as they are and I can get to know her better.

Sometimes I don’t know where I’m going, sometimes I’m totally confident with where I’m taking my life. It’s like a dilemma, and a feeling of aimlessness rolled up into one boulder that’s hitting me like a train.

Ah what I’d do to see the next Tuesday come again.

Well, time to mug though, so I gotta say goodbye for now, and see you maybe tomorrow..? I’m glad I can pen down my thoughts here. It’s like a sanctuary from life. Sorta. Kinda.

See you guys!


Tired.

Hi guys, I’m pretty sure this isn’t the first post I’m writing with this title. But I just wanna go on a relaxing rant about how busy I am and then get on with life.

So, tomorrow is one presentation that’s coming up. I found that the more I thought about it the more I felt unprepared. I think it’s more a mental thing than anything, but I feel a bit insecure about it. Which is why I am blogging about it. I want to reflect upon my ability to follow up on previous lessons more consistently.

Tonight was just one of those nights where I feel like I’m in a whirlpool of deadlines, and I’m really afraid of what’s going to happen.

I’m feeling the pressure. But I know it’s just temporary, and it’s just me thinking too much. Maybe because I invested so much in this that I’m afraid to fail here. But I won’t. I refuse to. Even if something happens, I will be able to handle it and move on. I will get through this.

I realized that the more you invest in something, the more you feel likely that you will fail, because you keep thinking of the extra possibilities etc.

But I think I’ve done well up to now, if I’ve neglected something or overworked on something else, I feel that it’s a lesson to be learnt in time management and efficiency in studying. Live to learn. No mistake is too costly as long as you do your best.

Alright, now I’m done psychoing myself, I think I deserve a good break. Ok after I attempt to save the quiz on Wednesday. LOL. So screwed.

It’s just uni life. I feel like I’m adjusting, but these ranting and psychoing sessions will do me good once in a while. Come on Kevin, you’re better than this.


High up and afraid to fall.

Hi guys. Gosh I wrote hi as High just now. LOL

Alright just a quick update on how my recent days have been going. I’ve been listening to a lot of Linkin Park recently, and I’ve been enjoying their new album a lot. I love how they took a more pop-ish approach, but managed to retain a lot of their style. But I’m sad because my childhood hero passed. Listening to his voice makes me sad somehow, even though this song is kind of happy- major-key-ish.

But anyway I’ve been on a high of my life now, and I’m really enjoying it. I did pretty well for my subsequent critical thinking presentation, and I’m happy I was able to reflect and improve myself since the previous econs presentation.

So I’m on a high right now, I’m enjoying my life and am enjoying spending time with my friends, specifically, my Business, Government and Society group. Really good bunch of people! Lots of laughs, and happiness.

I think I’m falling for someone again, but I’m afraid to admit it. Somehow or another she just draws me to her, but I don’t know what to feel about this. Honestly I’m afraid to fall apart again. I hope I’m not wrong to believe in this feeling =/.

In other news, my finals are coming and I’m about halfway through all my projects now. I wish this project would go on further, and I really hope our friendships doesn’t just end here.

Its sad but I won’t be surprised if it ended. And that’s why I’m blogging now. I’m happy but I’m afraid that things go to nothing. I don’t know, but it’s a weird feeling of happiness with a tinge of fear. Of fear that it isn’t alright to be happy.


Impeccable.

Hi guys, sorry I haven’t been posting much these days. I feel like I got to know myself a bit in the last few days. It’s been hectic, and I realized that I’m not coping very well with the circumstances.

So I’ve experienced a few things over the past few days which, I feel require some reflecting.

The first would be my first presentation, which I did this morning. Honestly, felt I was ready, but apparently I wasn’t able to cope well with the stress of being before so many people when I was up there. Room for improvement. I managed to recover after stumbling for about half a minute, but I really feel this could also be due to a lack of practice. I’m a person who requires more preparation, so maybe the next presentation I won’t improvise points on the spot but write out a script first. Even though I didn’t do as expected, I refuse to give in to despair now. I’m really tired out, but I’m gonna take some time out to reflect and move forward.

The next thing I want to address are my habits. Recently I’ve been falling short on keeping up with my healthy habits, and I’ve regressed into a fairly painful cycle of sleeping late and waking up early, and procrastination etc. I think I’ve finally worn out from keeping up with the work, and I haven’t even had the time to practice what matters to me.

I’d attribute this to being tired, but also losing sight of the goal before me. I want to be a musician, I want to be able to speak and understand Japanese fluently. But I’m just screwing myself over and spending all my free time on games. There isn’t anything wrong with it, but I feel that given my limited time I could be spending it better. Perhaps allocating an hour max to gaming a day would help ease myself, and I’d dedicate all other time to pursuing music especially.

So just a few quick reflections to get by the day. I’d say that I’ve been coping well in school till this point, but now I just have to take all of this in stride and move forward. To err is human, and all I need to do is to reflect and take note of what I’ve been doing wrong and move forward.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I think I need a good nap now… Feeling really destroyed by the day’s events and my lack of sleep last night (Why? COS I WATCHED FAGGIN’ HEARTHSTONE YOUTUBE VIDEOS THROUGH TILL 1AM EVEN THOUGH I KNEW I HAD A PRESENTATION AND NEEDED TO WAKE UP AT 6.30AM THE NEXT DAY. WELL DONE SIR WELL DONE.)

Alright enough self-degradation. Time to reflect, meditate and move on.


The fear of being lonely.

Hi guys. It’s another blog post on something I’ve been feeling a lot lately. It’s exactly what the title says haha.

In the past few weeks I’ve been battling a crushing loneliness that just keeps coming up. It gets worse when I have people that I like and try to text them, and then they don’t text back. And the list goes on, I walk alone in school and rarely see familiar faces, and all I want to do is just get over with my lessons, and just go home.

I don’t even want to think about these things but it’s been bugging me every single day. Like why am I so lonely in a world full of people. And why do I feel so empty even if there are people who look for me and ask me to accompany them?

I realize, even with army, that I always relied on girls to try to fill that void within me. I feel like, despite everything I’ve learnt, I still end up relying on others to fill that void. And I always tend to sink into those moods where I just lament on the state of my life.

Why is everyone so happy and I’m not? Why do I have to face everything alone? Why do normal relationships fail to fulfill me?

And I feel like music has sort of left my life somehow. The one thing that kept me alive has been shoved aside for my studies.

I don’t know really. Sorry if my thoughts are all jumbled up but this has been a recurring theme for me since school started. I just don’t get myself sometimes.