Hi guys, if you’ve been following this blog, you’d see that I have been posting a lot of passworded stuff.
Allow me to explain. Most of what’s in there are me in my darkest moments. In fact, I’m not sure if I’m totally out of it yet. I don’t want you guys to read such negative thoughts. If you know how I usually post stuff on this blog, you’d notice that I’d state my sad thoughts and then try to talk myself into moving on.
This time I sank so deep I couldn’t do that at all. But right now I’m a lot calmer, and more in a state to talk about it.
I met a girl and fell deeply in love with her. I pursued her too much to the point where she felt like she needed space, and said, “maybe we should just be friends”. I was devastated that day but hoped for a better outcome for both of us. I told her, I couldn’t be just her friend and wanted to try further.
Fast-forward to today, I did many things right but fucked up so many things, she doesn’t want to meet me anymore. I’m pretty sure she’s just entertaining my texts at this point because it’s project period and all and she doesn’t want to hurt me.
I’m sorry I fucked up, I’m sorry I tried to do things borne out of jealousy. I felt like I needed to prove myself in front of you. I’m sorry I doubted you and I’m really sorry I couldn’t be the man that you wanted.
I lost myself. I suffered multiple sleepless nights, neglected my studies and had so much anxiety. Gagging for no reason, getting sick and all. I don’t want to experience all of that again. My friends see me depressed all the time and I’m just in a really bad place. I don’t know how I sank this much but I did. And now I’m crawling out slowly.
Accept things as they are and move on. She’s no longer worth it. Maybe in some other timeline, we’d be together. But that’s not my reality. I tried my best, I really did.
It feels like I’m not good enough. It feels like I let her down. But I try to remind myself that it takes two hands to clap. On her end, she didn’t make things easy either. Perhaps some things just aren’t meant to be. Wrong time, wrong place, wrong state of mind.
It’s time to pick yourself up, Kevin. You can’t let this affect you any further. There are things you can change, but this is not one of them. Going down further into this shithole will not help. There are girls who like you and there will always be someone else. Clean up your game, pursue your purpose in life, and the right one will come. There’s a light at the end of every tunnel, I promise.
Keep moving. Keep improving. You’ll be better for it.
You don’t need someone’s approval to pursue your dreams. You don’t need someone to tell you you’re awesome, because you already are.
Stop the negative self-talk and pick yourself up. Think about your future. How awesome will it be? But you can’t get there if you’re like that. Seeking someone’s permission when all you ever need is to give yourself permission to dream.
And why do you need to worry if someone likes you? You’ll be having the time of your life and if she isn’t there, it’s her loss!
So why do this to yourself? Pick up the slack and stop complaining about your present situation not being what you want it to be. Make your dreams happen. Make a plan, and do it. That’s all.