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Week 12: Dying but the tough times will pass.

Hi guys, I just ended one out of 3 presentations, and the other two are due on Monday and Tuesday. Thereafter, my assignment is due on Friday.

I really don’t know how people manage their time given a situation like this, but I am really feeling the heat, and the quality of my work is dropping significantly. What to do, what to do.. I have 1 week to my assignment and I still have to prep for 2 presentations.

I know this is a lesson in time management, but I really feel like it’s also testing my endurance. How far can my mind go without breaking.. How far can I keep up the quality of my work. It’s… really crazy.

But I gotta keep up with this. It’s only one more week till all of this is over, and I really don’t want to look back at it all and say I could’ve done better… The tough times will pass, but only those who pushed through will see the fruits of their labour. I must press on…

My mind.. is thoroughly trashed. I will wake up early tmr to work on my assignments. I can’t lose it now.

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Week 11: Stepping back (again).

Things aren’t working that well right now. I lost focus. Though, to be fair, there were reasons for it, and I need to get back on track for the last leg of the term.

So recently, I have been experiencing difficulties in juggling my studies, my musical progress, my Japanese, and my training. I want to take a step back and analyze what happened, because one of my writing assignments did worse. So why?

Firstly, the assignment was written during my mid terms, and I naturally focused more on the mid-terms than the assignment. So that’s an excuse, but not a very good one.

Secondly, I was going through another bout of “music crisis” again. Typically, I would feel like what I am doing is useless when I am under high pressure, and will try to justify it with “I want to do music”. I think my thoughts should be more like “Yes I want to do music, but right now, I need to focus on my studies and think about how to go about that later.” I think its very important to learn how to manage my feelings. Sometimes it’s as simple as saying hey, you just need to focus for a while more and you’ll be able to do what you love again.

Thirdly, I shifted my focus. While in the first term, I focused much more on performing in my studies, it took up A LOT of my time. I overcompensated for most things, and I outdid myself at the cost of everything else. This term, I decided instead to focus on the other parts of my life. So a big part of my focus was shifted to changing up my diet, and playing/composing music. Naturally, my studies did not receive as much focus as required, but I did well enough until now (only my writing assignment dropped by 2 grades from the previous from an A- to a B).

So let’s discuss what to do moving forward. I know for one I cannot focus on too many things at once, and at week 11 out of 15, I can’t juggle so many things. With that in mind, I think I will keep my training program, and allow it to lax for a bit for these 4 weeks (according to my schedule) and I will focus wholly on my studies. I won’t be able to do much for music during these 2 weeks especially, with presentations and projects due. Japanese has, and will be put on the side for more urgent matters. I think when my term ends, I will put in quite a bit of effort into speaking the language, but for now, I can’t afford anything else that drains my focus till my finals end.

I feel exhausted at this point in time, but I really have to keep moving. Things will only get better within the next 4 weeks.
It’s a simple shift in focus. You can do this Kevin.


“Mid-Term” Review (End of Week 9)

Hi guys, I’m writing this straight off from the last post, after washing up a bit. I’m a bit better after trying to rationalize with myself, but I’m probably not gonna talk to my dad for a while.

I’m sort of on the last quarter of the term, but I just only finished most of my mid-terms. Tomorrow will be the last of my mid-terms before I go into presentations in week 12. So things will get busy from here.

I just want to update you guys on a few things.

I’ll save the best for last =D. But firstly, I finished my mid-terms (sorta) and I’m pretty sure I did quite well for most of them. SOOOOOO that’s good. I’m taking a small breather before the presentations start to kick in next week, so this weekend was a bit slow for me (since the mid-term tmr is sorta like a reflective essay, using concepts I already studied for for this week’s mid-term). I took time out to reconnect with my passions this weekend. It was refreshing.

Next, about my exercise and eating. I have lost A LOT of weight and I can see my abs coming out quite nicely now. Though, today was a step back for me because of the cake and dessert I ate (it’s my dad’s birthday, and it was sorta ruined by the conflict we had just now, but oh well). So yeah, I’ve been doing pretty well, although, I probably have been eating a bit too little given the stress I put on my body. I’ll endeavour to increase my portions a bit to accommodate for the extra stress I’m progressively putting on my body.

On the music side of things, I finished another composition this year, and I’m pretty proud of it. Even though it’s like a rehash of typical Japanese emo songs, I think I did pretty well this time in that I didn’t judge myself too much and let my creative energy flow. Also, my playing and rhythm has improved a lot since I started metronome practice. Still a lot of work, but at least now I’m more aware of all the different types of rhythms I tend to favour, and I’m taking more control over my practice than a few weeks ago.

And here’s the best part. I met possibly the girl of my dreams. It might be a bit too early to say, but I think there’s a good chance that we suit each other very well. I like that she also shows her interest, so I don’t need to keep guessing or be insecure about whether I am making the wrong move. The song I just composed, Under The Stars, was for a project that we both are working on. I met her unexpectedly, in a Business Law class. More updates on this when things progress haha.

Anyway, I’m quite happy with my current position, but there are things I want to plan for (like my music plans) and places I want to go. I can’t always keep going at it though, and I’m pretty shagged out after mid-terms.

 

Anyway, see you guys soon, I’ll just relax for the rest of the night.


Cooling off..

Hey guys, I’m just here to vent a bit about a situation that I was in just now.

Granted, I tend to get my temper get the best of me in situations like that. But let me explain and let me try and rationalize with myself what I should do going from here.

What happened just now was a typical argument between me and my father. He cut me off as I was trying to explain something multiple times, and then started trying to justify himself, and hurt me in the process. The words he uses tends to be grating on the ears, and the way he justifies his arguments can be quite unreasonable, but leaves no room for his opponent to argue due to his immense stubbornness.

My reaction then was pretty simple. As he cut me off multiple times, I got progressively more and more annoyed. When I started raising my voice over his because he kept trying to cut me off, he got defensive. And that’s where he made a comment which pissed me off. Then my temper just took over like that. Which was not very pretty, but it was still pretty controlled, in a sense that I just told him good night and tried to leave the dining area, albeit in a very frustrated way.

To be fair, I am not totally without fault, and should not attribute everything that I did to my father’s behaviour. While the disrespectful behaviour is his, I could have chosen to react in a less aggressive manner. I am still seething from this, so I’m not really sure how I am gonna approach this in the next few days. I want him to know that his behaviour was inappropriate, but I also don’t think I acted in the best way.

To be honest, I should let the matter rest. Funny how it just happened a few minutes ago and I’m trying to let go of it. But next time, I really shouldn’t flare up like that. I guess things like this happen, and I’m not one to be very good at controlling my anger.

But thank you for entertaining my thought process guys, it helps me put things into perspective better. I’ll do another post right after this for my future plans as well as my mid-term reflections because I can’t be bothered to study anymore due to what just happened.

 


Weary.

Hey guys, it’s nearly 10pm now, and I just finished studying for the day. To be honest, now’s just a shitty time for me. Mid-term’s aren’t done, I feel like I’m going nowhere with life again, and the whole cycle repeats.

Maybe it’s cos I’m tired, and maybe it’s cos I want something more out of my life.

I think it’s a combination of both. Like, I kind of lack the motivation to do music after I study, but then again, I need to do that to feel fulfilled. It’s this constant back and forth between “should I do my schoolwork” and “I’ll sit down and compose proper right now”. Perhaps I need to schedule these sessions so I really sit down and compose and work on something that fulfills me. Sometimes, I sit here and go, hey, I’m too tired to compose right now, so I’ll just play some heroes of the storm or some other computer game. And so passes the only time when I can compose without disturbance.

I guess reflecting on it, it’s mostly my fault. Sometimes, I really wish I could do music like Yu Hng. There’s still so much to learn, and so much holding me back. I mean, not only just external things like my parents, or money and all. It’s also me. I’m really scared of it. I’m scared of failure. But it makes me feel even worse for not trying.

I’ll do it, I’ll work on it.


Losing yourself.

Hey guys, I just finished my lunch and thought to myself about this topic after watching a YouTube video on guitar jam camp thingie by Periphery, my favourite band right now.

So they were all having fun, and you know, there were smiles and stuff. Then I thought to myself, man, these few days, just being caught up in the rat race, really made me lose sight of who I am. Sometimes I doubt my identity, but I know one thing is for sure, I always, always go back to two of my passions at the end of the day, and that’s really what matters more than the grades that I got to work for only during these few weeks.

It’s easy to get wrapped up in fear of failure, getting bad grades and all, but in reality,¬†IT DOES NOT MATTER.

Sure, you need the grades, but does it matter that much if you fail? No, just pick yourself up and try again. Enjoy the process, as my friend told me one night over a Starbucks 2 days ago.

It’s easy to lose yourself.

There’s no need to be scared of anything really. There’s no such thing as, if I fail this¬†it will be the end of the road. It isn’t.

You gotta keep telling yourself that. Right now, I’m trying my best, and that’s enough. No need to compare grades, or past performances and expectations from other people.

And of course, if I ever get down and lost, I should always go back to what makes me the happiest, and remember that life isn’t always about all of this nonsense.

Thanks for entertaining my messy post-lunch thought process. I’m going through an intense period of exams and submissions right now, but I must keep at it and stop being so fearful of failure.

Cya guys soon.


Purpose.

Hey there, I am writing this on the sunny morning of the first day of Chinese New Year.

I might be going out early for lunch, so I’ll make it short.

These few days, have felt very monotonous to me. Kind of like how I felt in army, but not as bad. But it’s a feeling of meaninglessness, and that kind of drifting by kind of feeling. It’s been on for a few days.

I sort of get it, it’s like same old boring kinda routine, and I’m not really enjoying what was novel to me in the not so distant past. And I’m a bit different from last term. Perhaps I’ve let go of that high standard I always held myself to, and decided to spend more time on myself. But the thing is, I also feel insecure spending that time on other things other than study.

Overall its a different and more negative vibe from the start of last semester, and I really wanna get back on track.

In the previous few weeks, I realized that there are some things in my life I am pretty dissatisfied with. I want answers to these questions of meaning and all. But I really don’t know man. Sometimes I just lose my way amidst all the chaos and expectations around me.

Recently I took a workshop on career path (from the university) and he emphasized the importance of being happy in your job. That got me thinking. Do I really want to work a business job? What is this inadequacy and dread in my mind that I feel? Is it simply being afraid or is it something deeper?

I need to get back on track though. I need to tell myself that for now, I need to settle my work, and the answers to these questions have to wait. And, of course, I shouldn’t hold myself to previous work or expectations. Do my best, and let whatever comes out of it come out.

Sigh. Perhaps I should look at this in another perspective. I should talk to people too. People that are struggling with the same things I am facing. Pretty sure there are a lot of people like that within my CCA.

Okay, I’ll get back to grinding for mid-terms. Stay frosty guys.