Stumble, but move on.

Latest

“Mid-Term” Review (End of Week 9)

Hi guys, I’m writing this straight off from the last post, after washing up a bit. I’m a bit better after trying to rationalize with myself, but I’m probably not gonna talk to my dad for a while.

I’m sort of on the last quarter of the term, but I just only finished most of my mid-terms. Tomorrow will be the last of my mid-terms before I go into presentations in week 12. So things will get busy from here.

I just want to update you guys on a few things.

I’ll save the best for last =D. But firstly, I finished my mid-terms (sorta) and I’m pretty sure I did quite well for most of them. SOOOOOO that’s good. I’m taking a small breather before the presentations start to kick in next week, so this weekend was a bit slow for me (since the mid-term tmr is sorta like a reflective essay, using concepts I already studied for for this week’s mid-term). I took time out to reconnect with my passions this weekend. It was refreshing.

Next, about my exercise and eating. I have lost A LOT of weight and I can see my abs coming out quite nicely now. Though, today was a step back for me because of the cake and dessert I ate (it’s my dad’s birthday, and it was sorta ruined by the conflict we had just now, but oh well). So yeah, I’ve been doing pretty well, although, I probably have been eating a bit too little given the stress I put on my body. I’ll endeavour to increase my portions a bit to accommodate for the extra stress I’m progressively putting on my body.

On the music side of things, I finished another composition this year, and I’m pretty proud of it. Even though it’s like a rehash of typical Japanese emo songs, I think I did pretty well this time in that I didn’t judge myself too much and let my creative energy flow. Also, my playing and rhythm has improved a lot since I started metronome practice. Still a lot of work, but at least now I’m more aware of all the different types of rhythms I tend to favour, and I’m taking more control over my practice than a few weeks ago.

And here’s the best part. I met possibly the girl of my dreams. It might be a bit too early to say, but I think there’s a good chance that we suit each other very well. I like that she also shows her interest, so I don’t need to keep guessing or be insecure about whether I am making the wrong move. The song I just composed, Under The Stars, was for a project that we both are working on. I met her unexpectedly, in a Business Law class. More updates on this when things progress haha.

Anyway, I’m quite happy with my current position, but there are things I want to plan for (like my music plans) and places I want to go. I can’t always keep going at it though, and I’m pretty shagged out after mid-terms.

 

Anyway, see you guys soon, I’ll just relax for the rest of the night.

Advertisements

Cooling off..

Hey guys, I’m just here to vent a bit about a situation that I was in just now.

Granted, I tend to get my temper get the best of me in situations like that. But let me explain and let me try and rationalize with myself what I should do going from here.

What happened just now was a typical argument between me and my father. He cut me off as I was trying to explain something multiple times, and then started trying to justify himself, and hurt me in the process. The words he uses tends to be grating on the ears, and the way he justifies his arguments can be quite unreasonable, but leaves no room for his opponent to argue due to his immense stubbornness.

My reaction then was pretty simple. As he cut me off multiple times, I got progressively more and more annoyed. When I started raising my voice over his because he kept trying to cut me off, he got defensive. And that’s where he made a comment which pissed me off. Then my temper just took over like that. Which was not very pretty, but it was still pretty controlled, in a sense that I just told him good night and tried to leave the dining area, albeit in a very frustrated way.

To be fair, I am not totally without fault, and should not attribute everything that I did to my father’s behaviour. While the disrespectful behaviour is his, I could have chosen to react in a less aggressive manner. I am still seething from this, so I’m not really sure how I am gonna approach this in the next few days. I want him to know that his behaviour was inappropriate, but I also don’t think I acted in the best way.

To be honest, I should let the matter rest. Funny how it just happened a few minutes ago and I’m trying to let go of it. But next time, I really shouldn’t flare up like that. I guess things like this happen, and I’m not one to be very good at controlling my anger.

But thank you for entertaining my thought process guys, it helps me put things into perspective better. I’ll do another post right after this for my future plans as well as my mid-term reflections because I can’t be bothered to study anymore due to what just happened.

 

Weary.

Hey guys, it’s nearly 10pm now, and I just finished studying for the day. To be honest, now’s just a shitty time for me. Mid-term’s aren’t done, I feel like I’m going nowhere with life again, and the whole cycle repeats.

Maybe it’s cos I’m tired, and maybe it’s cos I want something more out of my life.

I think it’s a combination of both. Like, I kind of lack the motivation to do music after I study, but then again, I need to do that to feel fulfilled. It’s this constant back and forth between “should I do my schoolwork” and “I’ll sit down and compose proper right now”. Perhaps I need to schedule these sessions so I really sit down and compose and work on something that fulfills me. Sometimes, I sit here and go, hey, I’m too tired to compose right now, so I’ll just play some heroes of the storm or some other computer game. And so passes the only time when I can compose without disturbance.

I guess reflecting on it, it’s mostly my fault. Sometimes, I really wish I could do music like Yu Hng. There’s still so much to learn, and so much holding me back. I mean, not only just external things like my parents, or money and all. It’s also me. I’m really scared of it. I’m scared of failure. But it makes me feel even worse for not trying.

I’ll do it, I’ll work on it.

Losing yourself.

Hey guys, I just finished my lunch and thought to myself about this topic after watching a YouTube video on guitar jam camp thingie by Periphery, my favourite band right now.

So they were all having fun, and you know, there were smiles and stuff. Then I thought to myself, man, these few days, just being caught up in the rat race, really made me lose sight of who I am. Sometimes I doubt my identity, but I know one thing is for sure, I always, always go back to two of my passions at the end of the day, and that’s really what matters more than the grades that I got to work for only during these few weeks.

It’s easy to get wrapped up in fear of failure, getting bad grades and all, but in reality,¬†IT DOES NOT MATTER.

Sure, you need the grades, but does it matter that much if you fail? No, just pick yourself up and try again. Enjoy the process, as my friend told me one night over a Starbucks 2 days ago.

It’s easy to lose yourself.

There’s no need to be scared of anything really. There’s no such thing as, if I fail this¬†it will be the end of the road. It isn’t.

You gotta keep telling yourself that. Right now, I’m trying my best, and that’s enough. No need to compare grades, or past performances and expectations from other people.

And of course, if I ever get down and lost, I should always go back to what makes me the happiest, and remember that life isn’t always about all of this nonsense.

Thanks for entertaining my messy post-lunch thought process. I’m going through an intense period of exams and submissions right now, but I must keep at it and stop being so fearful of failure.

Cya guys soon.

Purpose.

Hey there, I am writing this on the sunny morning of the first day of Chinese New Year.

I might be going out early for lunch, so I’ll make it short.

These few days, have felt very monotonous to me. Kind of like how I felt in army, but not as bad. But it’s a feeling of meaninglessness, and that kind of drifting by kind of feeling. It’s been on for a few days.

I sort of get it, it’s like same old boring kinda routine, and I’m not really enjoying what was novel to me in the not so distant past. And I’m a bit different from last term. Perhaps I’ve let go of that high standard I always held myself to, and decided to spend more time on myself. But the thing is, I also feel insecure spending that time on other things other than study.

Overall its a different and more negative vibe from the start of last semester, and I really wanna get back on track.

In the previous few weeks, I realized that there are some things in my life I am pretty dissatisfied with. I want answers to these questions of meaning and all. But I really don’t know man. Sometimes I just lose my way amidst all the chaos and expectations around me.

Recently I took a workshop on career path (from the university) and he emphasized the importance of being happy in your job. That got me thinking. Do I really want to work a business job? What is this inadequacy and dread in my mind that I feel? Is it simply being afraid or is it something deeper?

I need to get back on track though. I need to tell myself that for now, I need to settle my work, and the answers to these questions have to wait. And, of course, I shouldn’t hold myself to previous work or expectations. Do my best, and let whatever comes out of it come out.

Sigh. Perhaps I should look at this in another perspective. I should talk to people too. People that are struggling with the same things I am facing. Pretty sure there are a lot of people like that within my CCA.

Okay, I’ll get back to grinding for mid-terms. Stay frosty guys.

Reflections: Week 5 Semester 2

Hi guys, didn’t realize its been 3 weeks since I last updated.

A little bit about how life has been going. About a week ago I submitted two of my first major assignments for 2 mods. I feel okay about them, but I feel like this term I haven’t worked nearly as much as the last.

I’ve been playing with my band too. Its been good being the keyboardist, but I’ve consistently found difficulty in making parts that fit with the overall vibe. I might find a way, I might not. But for now, I just wanna play, don’t really wanna think so much.

For my training, I’ve made leaps and bounds. I have more stamina, I have a much lower fat percentage, and I have been eating relatively well. If there’s one thing I should be keeping watch of, is the consistency at which I train, and of course the amount of food I eat. I realized now, that caffeine is a bit of a problem, as I have about 2 cups of tea and 1 cup of coffee a day. I’m trying to cut out the coffee, but it’s pretty tempting every time I am out. But overall, I have been focusing a lot of energy into this, and its about time I shift my focus to my studies, as mid-terms are coming. On a side note, I can finally see my abs coming out xD its a proud moment.

I have been neglecting my Japanese studies, but it’s fine really, since I’ve been concentrating on so many things at once. I will get back into Japanese media as soon as I finish up my mid terms revision.

So yeah just a quick update post, and a very, very messy state of mind. Today has just been tiring for me, hope you guys understand. Hopefully I will wake up more productive and focused tomorrow, because today I spent a lot of time not feeling very good because I had to study but also spend time on music and Japanese. So my mind was torn in between all of it, and I kind of felt really unproductive in everything.

For now, I will be shifting my focus wholly on my mid terms, and keeping up with my exercise regime. That’s all, the rest will have to wait till after the next 2 or 3 weeks.

Well, I guess I’m too tired to carry on, so I’ll leave it at that first.

Reflections: Week 2, Semester 2

 

Hi guys, its the end of week 2 of term 2, and this is where everything starts to pick up. So I went through 2 weeks of school, and honestly, I don’t feel like studying still. I’m moving along, but I still have some sort of adverse feeling to studying. Anyway! Finally a nice song for the first post since the start of the term! I like this medley, and you guys should seriously check it out. Gives me the feels man. Anyway!

Allow me to reflect on the week’s happenings.

Basically, I’ve shifted my focus over to my side stuff instead of my studies in these few weeks. While making sure I met deadlines for small admin stuff and homework, much of the rest of my time was devoted to exercising and playing music. Oh and a bit of Japanese. So I feel as if I need to start shifting my focus to my studies again, but I need to do so in a gradual and balanced manner. Perhaps to get more work done, I should stay more in school and allow myself time to rest when I get back home after doing all the work.

With that being said, I did do pretty well in what I set out to do, which is cut down my activities, and prioritize. For one, I have been exercising fairly consistently, not entirely sticking to schedule, but not stopping for more than 2 days (I allow myself a bit more rest at times due to the fact that my nutrition and busy days don’t allow for that intense a workout regime without leading to fatigue or illness). So I did pretty well on that. My nutrition still needs some work though, and I am looking into alternatives to make sure I get enough energy and protein to go about my day.

I have narrowed down my musical commitment to just piano, and have found more joy and happiness just focusing on one instrument where I feel the most enabled with. Sure, I still play the guitar, but I believe that the piano is the instrument that speaks to me the most. However, I need to sight-read more, and I have not been faithful to my resolution to sight-read at least 30 min a day. I will get to that in the coming weeks. Oh, and compose more. I haven’t done anything concrete since I finished From The Ashes (sorta finished, but too lazy to make it better)

Lastly, I’ve not been doing much for Japanese. With one instrument out of the way, and one more lesson struck off by the end of the month (I’m ending my Sunday play by ear lessons and keeping my classical lessons every Friday), I should have more time for this. As most of the practice should be done both passively and actively, I can work to increase my passive practice of the language due to my lack of time. As a rule of thumb, I will be incorporating some Japanese blogs, and watch/consume more Japanese media in the coming weeks. Let’s see how it goes.

So to summarize, what I will do:

  1. Finish more work in school, and start focusing on doing my assignments right
  2. Make healthier eating choices, and reduce caffeine intake
  3. Sight read 30 min a day, and start composing
  4. Increase consumption of Japanese media, and start practicing using blogs and messages

Yep, its still not an easy schedule to follow, and I think I will have to drop even more commitments to make all of this happen. Currently, the only commitment I have left hanging besides all of this is my band. Honestly I don’t know what to do with them. For one, they allow me to practice and further my repertoire, but for another, I don’t really care for a lot of the songs that they play, and it requires a lot of time to do well.

Then again my bandmates would cite that they are busier than me. I don’t really think so, it’s just a matter of priorities. I prioritize different things from them, and hence have either the same amount of time or less time than them to myself. But oh well forgive me for ranting, but it seems like everyone likes to compare how much busier they are than you, and sorta feel entitled to your attention or devotion just because you seem to have less “official” commitments than them. Oh well.

Enough complaining. It’s almost time to start a new week. Time to hustle.

P.S. I blogged because I felt really lazy to do anything, and felt that it’ll help me re-align myself to be clear of my goals.

Goodnight.